I wanted to write an article as an overview of domestic abuse against men as it currently is in the UK, talking about some statistics, but also just in general as an abused man, the stigma around it, and how everything comes across to abused men looking for support, if there is any.

Official statistics in the UK say that just under 1 million men between the age of 16 and 74 will be abused every year.

Now that’s obviously the numbers that are known of, and as we know, guys are more reluctant to come forward because of stigmas and other reasons. Let’s put that into perspective. Take Wembley Stadium. You’re watching a big match and England’s playing. Wembley is absolutely full. Look around and see how many people are there. Now times that by 11 or 12. That is the known number of men getting abused every year.

Before I get people jumping in the comments saying, “oh but women get abused to”, yes, they do. Domestic abuse is terrible no matter who it targets. It’s absolutely terrible, but what I’m trying to raise awareness of is the fact that it also affects men. It affects a large number of men and the support in place and the stigma around it is just crippling for men. So, all abuse is terrible, let’s just leave it at that and then move on with what we’re trying to discuss here.

When it comes to reporting domestic abuse in the UK, 29% of men who are domestically abused will report it, whereas 49% of women will report it. Now there’s obviously a lot of reasons for that. Again, it’s the stigma, it’s where do they report it, it’s who can they trust etc.

If you look at that support organisations within the UK, there are around 38 support organisations that are specifically for abused men, whereas if you look at women’s support organisations there are over 250, so already massive disparity there in the numbers of organisations available to men to even approach.

Then what you have are organisations that go online in all their social media and all their advertising, and they say that they are a haven for anyone who’s abused, men or women can come to them. but then they’ll pop up adverts and they are advertising things like “is your friend being abused? Make sure SHE is okay”. Any man looking at that is going to think “well that’s for woman, it’s not for me because they’re talking about she”. All they have to do literally is change she to they, and it’s inclusive. Men can feel like “okay, let me go and take a look” and maybe when they dive deeper, go into the website, have a look they see that they can get support there, they will reach out.

60% of men who call into helplines around domestic abuse say that it is the first time they ever discussed anything with anyone, and 64% of men that called into helplines said they would not have done so if they didn’t know that the helpline was anonymous. There is just a massive stigma around domestic abuse against men, where men feel that its humiliating, that they must feel embarrassed or ashamed to be a victim. Abuse is not about size, it’s not about gender, it’s about control, and someone who knows exactly what they are doing to control you.

At the moment, there does seem to be a movement in the UK about domestic abuse awareness against women and girls (no where near enough, but there is some). I hope that continues and grows, and that all women get the support they need and more, but I do also hope that men get the same, and that support becomes more readily available, courts and policies are reviewed, and that equality reigns.

I personally have been to court for hearings against my abuser for multiple things, and I’ve been treated like the abuser, even though I’ve come forward with evidence like pictures, screenshots etc. Even with the evidence they still looked at me and go think I must be the abuser because I am the man. I was treated abominably in a lot of Court hearings because of the stigma where judges seemed to just decide “look at you, big man, you must be the problem”. Training for law officials needs to change, and the way Family Court “works” does to, but that’s another massive topic all on its own.

People need to really understand what is going on, because is if you say to someone “domestic abuse”, they just think of a woman getting beaten by a man. When I was writing my second book, Such Reckless Hate, I was having the cover designed and needed a stock image to provide to the designer. On the stock images sites, I could not find a picture of a man being abused by a woman, so I had to use a picture of a man being kidnapped. It’s just not something that is thought of. It’s not a concept that people relate too easily, and that’s something that we as people need to change, because everyone who gets abused, everyone who’s a victim of anything, deserves the right to have the support to be heard, to not feel ashamed to come forward, and to not feel that they’re just not going to be believed if they do come forward.

There are some good organisations out there for men, like AMIS, Mankind Initiative, Falsely Accused Network, and others, and I’d encourage you to support them wherever able.

I have written three books on the subject, that I hope men can read, find useful, and relate to. If you haven’t read them, please do, and please share them with anything else you think needs them.

Let’s get the conversation going to make sure all victims of domestic abuse get the support they need.

If this blog resonates with you, please check out You Don’t Own Me’s Resources Page for useful links.