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Post-separation abuse is something we don’t talk about nearly enough. But is it because we’re not really sure what it means?
I touch on this subject with Sam Fisher, CEO at Trafford Domestic Abuse Services in our podcast episode.
Post-separation abuse is often overlooked for a number of reasons, more often than not due to the misconception that once an individual has left an abusive situation then that’s it, they’re free.
So what is Post-separation Abuse?
At it’s core, post-separation abuse is about the abuser doing their utmost to hang on to control and power. The abuser needs to remain in control.
So when an individual who has been controlled, manages to leave, the abuser can’t and won’t accept it. And the situation for many people, in fact, becomes so much worse and in the end is a living nightmare.
I have often said that post-separation abuse and trying to move forward with your life is like running a marathon and not a sprint.
But what do you do when there never appears to be a finish line because it’s constantly moving further and further away from you?
There isn’t a simple answer.
Until we are willing to try and understand and unpick the complexities of post-separation abuse, it will continue to go undetected in so many lives.
Because why would an individual speak out if they think they won’t be heard or understood?
Or just as worryingly, they don’t see that the abuse has continued after they have managed to leave. This is “just how it is.” It is their norm.
Anyone who has experienced and recognised that they have experienced post-separation abuse knows that it comes in all shapes and sizes. From the abuser withholding financial support to using harassment and intimidation to get what they want. Emotionally and physically abusing the children involved to try to retain power and control. Abuse of social and legal systems to attempt to frighten the individual into doing what the abuser wants.
And these are just a handful of examples.
Imagine leaving an abusive relationship and finally feeling free of the abuser. Then imagine, the abuser slowly starts to chip away at your new life and will do whatever it takes to keep controlling you. They may tap into your feelings of insecurity, your worries and fears.
Don’t forget, the abuser knows you, knows what makes you tick. They know everything about you and so what better way to keep control of you than using their knowledge of what frightens you.
This can and often does effect a person’s mental health and wellbeing. The abuser wants you to doubt yourself, doubt your own reality.
For many, it may feel as though going back to the abuser is the better option. Or giving in and doing whatever it is the abuser demands. For so many who have experienced domestic abuse, they are people pleasers.
So, when it comes to post-separation abuse many don’t want to rock the boat or have to face what inevitably will be a “one hand tied behind your back” fight for some level of freedom.
It is exhausting, it is crushing and you will want to give in. But don’t. DON’T GIVE UP and DON’T GIVE IN.
You have come this far, every step is one step closer to that life you can see for yourself and if you have family, for them as well.
If it is at all possible, limit the amount of contact you have with the abuser if for whatever reason, you still have to have some form of contact with them.
Don’t jump at every message or email sent. This is precisely what the abuser wants. And they know exactly what they are doing.
Breathe.
Try not to react and don’t feel as though you have to continue to justify yourself to the abuser. You don’t. This is your time now to realise, all the times you had to explain yourself or justify your opinions and actions. You don’t owe them an explanation.
What you do owe, is yourself the chance to live a life you deserve.
Talk to support services who can give you advice on the next steps to take. Whether you are on your own or you have children, they can help. They can also help you find group support or individual support. Whatever works for you.
Post-separation abuse is grueling, can last a long time and you will need support.
Family members and friends can also access support services to find out more about how to try and help their loved ones. Not only that but to help themselves navigate their way through supporting someone going through post-separation abuse.
You have as much right to happiness as the next person. I talk about this in my blog, From Self-preservation to Self-love “Remember: You have as much right to LOVE and HAPPINESS as the next person. You’ve just forgotten that!”
“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela
If this blog resonates with you, there is support out there. Check out my Resources Page for useful links.