It was never about Love

Love is a very emotive topic for good reason. If we’re lucky, we will have experienced some form of love in our lives. When we enter the world and as we grow, love usually comes from our family and friends.

As we get older, we can experience the feeling of love through intimate relationships.

But what happens when things start to unravel and the way in which someone is behaving towards you doesn’t feel genuine and loving ?

I think one of the most difficult ideas to accept when we talk about domestic abuse, is realising the way in which someone has treated you – was never about LOVE. It was about CONTROL.

You my have heard the term, “Love Bombing” especially when discussing domestic abuse. In a nutshell, Love Bombing is when the abuser tries to control a person through their acts of overwhelming attention and affection.

It doesn’t have to be your partner that is Love Bombing you, it can also be a family member.

It may have been going on for decades or may have only just begun. The important thing to understand is, Love Bombing isn’t LOVE.

Things may be ok for a while, but in domestically abusive situations, it won’t stay that way. Something will happen and the abuse continues – whether it’s emotionally, financially, physically, psychologically or sexually. All the abuser cares about is their own wants and needs. It has nothing to do with loving you or wanting what is best for you – that’s their cover up.

The individual has now become reliant on the abuser and the connection is already established. NO ONE is going to come between them.  Whatever problems are going on will all go away if the victim can just get back to that, “happy place” of feeling “loved.”

It will never happen.

The Trauma Bond is in now firmly in place and the individual is stuck in an endless loop. This is not love.

I think we attach a lot of what we believe is love to our self worth. How much love are we really worth to someone? If we have very little self worth, we may accept anything as love from someone who shows us attention, affection and make ourselves believe that it’s love. It’s not.

I know that sounds so easy to say and it takes as long as it takes to accept – it was NEVER about LOVE.

There are times when you feel like you are losing your mind. The abuser has convinced you, you are the problem, you are the reason things go wrong when they do.

But you are not to blame.

The blame and shame culture that develops from people believing that what has happened or what is happening to them is their fault is a devastating thought to me and it can have a huge impact on their well-being.

All that person has done is believe that they are or were loved – there is NO shame in that.

And in an ironic twist, guess what??

Abusers don’t know how to love.

This is such a difficult concept to get your head around, because everybody wants to believe their partners and their families love them and want nothing but the best for them. To even try to imagine that a person you’ve placed so much faith and trust in doesn’t actually care about you at all, let alone love you, is unthinkable.

So what now?

It may be that you are not in a position to leave the situation you’re in and it drives me mad when people say why don’t they just walk away from the abuser? It’s not always that simple.

What if you have nowhere else to go?

Financially, you can’t afford to leave?

You’re not old enough to leave home?

If you care for the abuser or they care for you?

What if the abuser threatens to kill themselves if you leave?

No matter what your situation is remember this, you’re NOT “going mad” and you are so very, very worthy of genuine LOVE.

Abuse does not define who you are.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Gustav Jung

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to look for support – or even realise it’s there. Contacting support services can be daunting but each and every person who is on the other end of the phone or reading the email query you have sent, is ready to listen and wants to help.

There is no judgement.

I urge anyone who feels like they may need to speak to someone. Do it.

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

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