Forgiveness – Is It Possible?

Domestic abuse strips the victim of any power or control over their own life. The abuser takes their time, slowly, carefully to ensure this is your new “normal.”

The victim does not question it, they just accept it.

Because questioning an abuser will get you – nowhere. They will have you convinced your wrong and tie your thoughts and feelings up in knots.

So for those people experiencing domestic abuse, they will just accept it.

The abuse may have happened a long time ago. Or you or someone you know could still be living in an abusive environment.

• For those who have experienced or been impacted by domestic abuse, how do you process the trauma attached to it?
• How do you live with it day to day?
• And here’s the big question, can you ever forgive?

There are so many choices out there now in terms of support services  – which is incredible. You may have to try various types of support until you find the one that’s right for you. EVERYONE is different. You can find useful links on my Resources Page

Have you ever been in a position when you thought you had forgiven someone for something but then you think about it again and the resentment and hurt just come flooding straight back? We can fixate on it and that makes it so much harder to move forward – not necessarily move on but move forward.

I tell my children when they think they have been wronged by someone or something, that it is perfectly acceptable to feel hurt and resentful….just DON’T STAY THERE! Easy to say and so much harder to do!

So here’s the big question – forgiveness, is it possible?

When it comes to forgiveness we want it to be like it is in so many movies. When the film starts off all happy then there’s the twists and turns until all is forgiven and the characters ride off into the sunset – and it all takes approximately 2 hours for all to be forgiven!

Life isn’t like that. And I spent so long believing we have to work at forgiveness. So when I heard Oprah talk about forgiveness, I literally stopped in my tracks. I stood there thinking, “Oh my God! That’s it!”

She said that, “It’s not about condoning whatever it is that person did to mistreat you. It is about not allowing what they did to affect how you live your life now. Dr. Gerald Jampolsky put it to me this way years ago on The Oprah Show. It was a big old aha moment that I’ve accepted now as spiritual law when he said:

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” I repeat that. Forgiveness is giving up the hope that what would have, could have, should have happened, in fact…it did not happen. It’s accepting the reality of what did happen, and moving on. This truth has been fundamental in allowing me to live my best life. It was transformative. You have to come to the realization that what might have been, is not what is.” – Oprah Winfrey

You may have to read it over and over and over again. It may take time to digest it and accept it.

But the fact is, we can’t change the past. It’s so simple when you think about it.

We all use the word hope in our vocabulary. We hope the bus comes in the morning on time, we hope we have a good day whatever it is we are doing, spending time with family and friends or going to school or work, etc.. Hope is something that lies beneath the surface of our daily existence and, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”

I find this concept so powerful, it demonstrates to me that I could have spent the rest of my life, holding onto the hope that the past could have been anything other than what it was.

And what lead on from that concept of forgiveness was to also accept that you have to STOP blaming yourself for the actions of others. It was or is their choice to behave in the way that they do.

Knowing what I know now, I believe I wanted to be able to look back on my past and not feel like a failure, that I hadn’t wasted years of my life. Hadn’t “allowed” myself to be manipulated by people. But once I started to realise that the past couldn’t have been any different, I felt a freedom from it.

At 45 years of age, the rest of my life is most definitely turning into the best of my life.

And to think, I could have spent the rest of it hoping that the past could have been any different than it was!

If you can relate to this blog and need support, please check out my Resources Page for useful links.

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