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Shame plays a devastating role in emotional abuse. It can make you feel so worthless and so alone.
In an abusive relationship, shame is used to control a victim’s feelings and emotions. This makes the abuser feel empowered and in control.
Like the majority of aspects of domestic abuse, the shame factor, doesn’t happen over night. It builds over time. And it continues to build to the point where the victim feels that staying with the abuser is the only option. Feelings of self-hatred and loathing deepen and slowly, you lose yourself.
It isn’t always possible to move on from the feeling of shame. Even if you do manage to leave the abusive situation.
Why?
Because we look for the faults in ourselves instead of looking for the beauty. I don’t mean attractiveness. Beauty shines out of us in our eyes, our smiles, our demeanor. It’s not in the “perfect image” we see so often in the media.
I took the photo above today. Bags under my eyes, lines and shadows. So what? It doesn’t define me.
I love the idea of Kintsugi. It is the Japanese art of putting broken pieces of pottery back together with gold. Embracing our flaws and imperfections can help us move forward from the feelings shame brings. And putting the broken pieces of your life back together is not shameful. It is to be praised.
Shame has eaten away at the very essence of your being.
So often, people don’t want to talk about lived experience of domestic abuse because they feel ashamed and embarrassed that it has come to this. There is nothing to be gained in feeling shame.
And you have nothing to be ashamed about.
You are incredible.
“The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?” – Julia Roberts’ in Pretty Woman
The bad stuff may be easier to believe but it doesn’t make it true!
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