All posts by : Lucy Lu

I want to propose the idea to you, that you stop taking on all the blame and shouldering all the responsibility, your doing the best you can in a complex situation. Let me explain.

“I want never gets.” This was a phrase I grew up hearing from my parents and grandparents. And it’s a phrase you hear less and less today.

I am one of 6 kids and I learned very early on in life to “wait my turn.” Now, for many this may seem like an overly disciplined way to grow up. Oh believe me, I rebelled from time to time. But I appreciate now as an adult and parent that not always getting what I wanted was precisely what I needed.

It has taught me to be grateful for the smallest gestures, to be patient, to be empathetic towards others. And it has also taught me that life is sometimes tough and we don’t always get what we want.

With Christmas fast approaching, this feels like a perfect time to write this blog.

It is hard enough when a child is a child of divorce. Now add to that being a child of post-separation abuse and things get so much more complicated and traumatic.

Not only, is there potentially a family court order in place which sets out where the child/children will spend Christmas but also, all the pressure of feeling the need to give the child/children everything on their Christmas list!

When it comes to what day you celebrate Christmas on with your children, I can only say this.

It is a date in a diary.

If you have to celebrate on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, or whatever day. Enjoy it as though it’s Christmas Day. A child will only remember the fun and joy they felt rather than the exact date it was celebrated on.

Most parents would say they have a want and need to give their child EVERYTHING they desire. And it is completely that parent’s choice if they do so.

What I am wondering, is that by giving a child everything their heart desires, what are you teaching them? That this is the standard and blueprint for the rest of their lives? The pressure on yourself to always be able to deliver on that promise? And the expectation from the child that they will receive it.

We are in a cost of living crisis and for those parents who are experiencing post-separation abuse, they have so much going on, so adding to that, trying to give their children everything they want can lead to even more problems, financially, emotionally and psychologically.

Post-separation abused parents definitely feel the guilt factor when it comes to pleasing their children. They have been victim blamed by society and now they blame themselves as to the situation that their children are growing up in. They may also feel the need to compete with whatever gifts the perpetrator has promised the children.

The fear a post-separated abused parent feels when they think if they don’t give the child everything they want from expensive gifts to huge parties the child will not want to live with them or have anything to do with them. That fear is real and is beyond devastating to witness.

It is not the abused parent’s fault. It never has been.

The abused parent can believe there is a void in their child’s life, and that it’s their responsibility to fill it. But it doesn’t have to be with gifts and materialistic items. Spending time with them, watching a film together, playing a game. It’s all giving them the time to appreciate what they have. Love.

They may even open up and tell you that they are struggling. There is plenty of support out there for children and young people, you can visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

Please stop trying to fill a void that can’t be filled with what society and social media tells your child they need.

We can’t remove every problem or obstacle a child faces. Otherwise, as they grow into adults, they will never have the ability to manage situations that come their way.

But what we can do is be there as a support, reminding them they are not alone. Not always bringing expensive gifts and promising them whatever they want to mask what is going on.

I’m not saying don’t give gifts. I’m saying, don’t feel the pressure to buy them everything they want.

We seem to have forgotten the joy of giving a gift. Instead we now focus on what it costs.

At 18 years old, I spent my money I’d earned from my holiday job to buy Christmas presents for all my family. And that’s a lot of presents. Nothing was ridiculously expensive, but I’ll never forget the joy I felt of buying things that mattered to each person and the joy when they opened the gift and knew I had really thought about it.

“The world is a different place now, Anya. You don’t see it. The people don’t seem to care about giving a gift just so they can see the light of happiness in a friend’s eyes.”  – Santa Claus the Movie

I hope as we head into December that everyone enjoys the feeling Christmas brings. The gifts will come and go. But the memories and feelings will remain!

How can someone protect themself from domestic abuse? Is a question that seems to be cropping up more and more frequently.

The truth is, our human instinct and nature is to love and hopefully, in return, be loved.

What we cannot do though, is tell an individual how to feel about someone (whether it’s their partner or family member) and we cannot tell an individual how to live their life.

The reality however, is that the perpetrator is their possessor.

Needing power and control – always.

Nobody can protect themselves from human nature.

Not judgement nor condemnation.

“I’m here and I’m listening.”

I recently recorded an episode of DIP in and out with Lucy with the fabulous Alice Smith

One of the things that came up in our episode was a topic that crops up more and more as time goes on.

And that is, what do we call individuals who feel the terms “victim”, or “survivor” of domestic abuse are not applicable to them?

I understand and appreciate that for some people these terms just don’t work – for a multitude of reasons.

So what can we suggest for those individuals who feel as though they are fumbling around in the dark, unsure if there will ever be a word that they feel best describes their experience?

I have worked with some amazing people who are trying to move forward with their lives having experienced domestic abuse. And I can completely understand why the terms above don’t suit everyone.

So the big question therefore, is what could the alternative be?

I have spent time in recent weeks thinking of potential alternatives from words like – Progressor  to Change Maker  – as many individuals who have been effected go on to work with those impacted by abuse in order to try and make a difference.

But no one word seemed to encompass everything. Except, in my opinion, the word…

Human.

*Let me just put this Blog into context.*

The author was a specialist in domestic violence law. And this is her story from the perspective of a best friend.

Every week I go to boxing training and I imagine my best friend’s ex partner is the bag I’m punching.

I hit that bag like I’m Muhammad Ali fighting to be the heavyweight champion of the world. This is my weekly anger management. Because in real life it’s illegal to punch him in the face (and I know violence isn’t the answer) but it’s what anyone that loves a survivor of domestic abuse wants to do. To make the perpetrator hurt, really hurt and for you to be the one that causes that hurt. So that the perpetrator knows that you can hurt them and you’re doing it out of love and loyalty.

Of course, hurting the perpetrator will not help the survivor, it will only make things worse. Which is why the punching bag helps. It’s an outlet for the rage.

Over time you may think that my punches have had less ferocity, not true. I’m not more angry about the past. It’s literally years since I ‘found out’ about him. The problem is that he keeps behaving like the narcissist, misogynist sociopath he is. He won’t learn, because he doesn’t feel that how he is behaving is anything other than ‘normal’.

There won’t be an epiphany moment where he changes- so my best friend faces new forms of abuse – so the rage carries on and I keep punching. Don’t get me wrong so much has changed.

My best friend has moved forward with her life, despite and because of the struggles that he caused, not moved on. I don’t think it’s possible to entirely move on. The history is there, tangible and palpable in every decision that she makes. Every decision is fueled by the history that has taken her to the place she is now.

These new forms of abuse are the ones that people can’t see now because the perception is that she has moved on, when the reality is that she is always moving forward, navigating a safe path for her and her children’s future.

These abuses are the actions and lies that continue his narrative to justify his behaviour. I also box because I feel guilty. Real gut wrenching guilt.

Let me put this into context. I was a specialist in domestic violence law. I have succeeded in getting so many victims the injunctions they needed to protect themselves and their vulnerable children. But to my shame I couldn’t see what was in front of my face (not literally in the end as he had moved her away from those that love her).

From the day I met him I knew he wasn’t good enough for her. In our first conversation he lied to me. I knew he had and I questioned him about it. Looking back that seems quite a combative move but I was protective, I still am -fiercely. But the trouble with a love bombing new boyfriend is that they seem perfect and young love is powerful.

Deep down, if I think about it (and I don’t like to) I always knew that something was wrong. But I was dealing with my own mental health battles and maybe my head space could not accommodate another person’s trauma when mine was all encompassing. I would say that I have avenged that guilt with a best friend’s love bombing of her own. Always being available to listen, always reassuring, unconditionally supportive of new adventures.

Feeling sheer pride watching her be a strong voice and advocate for other survivors when they can’t find their voice.

So if you, like me, need an outlet to deal with the rage of being the best friend (or relative) of a survivor and/or have the guilt of what you should have seen- then start boxing.

It’s cathartic!

If you feel this blog resonates with you and you need support, please visit the Resources Page

You can find me on YouTube

“Have you heard the rumour about….”

…is one of the most damaging things anyone can say about another human being.

And if the subject of the rumour and speculation is or has been the victim of domestic abuse, you have no idea the potential level of harm you are doing to that person.

For those who have experienced domestic abuse they have a million thoughts to process, a multitude of plates to spin, while trying to live each day of their life with a level of dignity.

When people feel it’s acceptable to talk about a victim or survivor and pass judgement on a situation, they couldn’t possibly fathom, I’m astounded.

Not only is that person having to process the fact that they have experienced domestic abuse. But if they have children, they are trying to support their children too.

So to then add to that, for a victim to feel the need to defend themselves and their lives to people who have no comprehension of what they have lived through, is utterly devastating.

And the twist of irony here??

Nobody’s life is perfect. And nobody has the right to judge another human being.

ydom.co.uk is a “one-stop shop” helping people find useful resources, support services and access to knowledge shared by professionals in the hope that we can break down the stigma in talking about domestic abuse.

Why did I feel the need to create a “one-stop shop” talking about domestic abuse?

Because we ALL need to better informed and accountable for our actions of how we talk about other people.

You have no idea what someone is living through and your words can do a great deal of emotional and psychological damage.

I can remember my sports day’s when I was at primary school. Before the start of the race, all the kids would be gearing up, getting into position – especially if they were the pro runners!

And what did I do??

I looked up. Not straight ahead of me, not to either side of me.

Just up.

And when I ran, I kept looking up.

I’m not saying it was the best technique in the world – or that I won every race in primary school. But I felt confident when I kept my head held high.

So, my message this Friday, to those victims and survivors of domestic abuse who feel weighed down by the speculation and judgement of others is simply this…

Hold your head high, keep looking up and don’t give anyone who talks about your situation a second thought.

You know who you are and what you have survived so far.

People’s opinion of you and what people think they know about you, has nothing to do with you.

It’s just their opinion, it doesn’t make it true just because someone thinks they know your situation.

They are playing a guessing game.

There is an African proverb that says; “The Lion does not turn around when a small dog barks.”

And I think that’s a perfect way to sum this all up.

Check out my About Page

You can find me on YouTube

It took me a minute to digest what she said.

On a typical Thursday evening in the Wade household, while I was organising her packed lunch, sorting washing, making dinner and doing the usual 50,000 other jobs that need to be done…..

She told me she was proud of me.

It was that simple.

But from an 11 year old, it meant everything.

In a world where children and young people are besotted with influencers on social media.

They spend their time striving for that ever changing ideal of whatever they think perfection may be.

I am quietly (without realising it) inspiring my daughter and making her feel proud of her Mum.

And I see her growing and changing almost daily now.

Watching her and listening to her trying to help others, not judge and treat everyone as equals makes me so happy!

I have never given much thought to what my “legacy” would be when I’m no longer here.

But looking at everything that You Don’t Own Me and DIP in and out with Lucy Podcast has achieved in such a short space of time, I’m excited to see how that legacy will play out!

We never know how much good we are doing and how much our children watch what we do, until they say something to you that makes you realise you are making a difference in the world.

So, I urge you to enjoy this FABULOUS day. And feel proud of yourself for all that you are and all that you do.❤️

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

You can find me on Instagram

Listen to DIP in and out with Lucy on Spotify

…will only give you blisters!

But eventually, you’ll forget the pain.

For those friends and family who are trying to support loved ones who have or are experiencing domestic abuse. Trying to understand, or know what to say can be painful.

Victims and survivors of domestic abuse don’t want you to walk a mile in their shoes.

They wouldn’t wish it on you.

Instead, try to be there as quiet comfort and support.

There is a greater chance of that person opening up to you if you do.

And you never know how much good it could do!

You Don’t Own Me is a “one-stop shop” helping people find useful resources, support services and access to knowledge shared by professionals around domestic abuse.

Check out my About Page

You can find me on YouTube

They are NOT one image…….

Domestic Abuse Awareness isn’t just about an image in a campaign for one month out of the year.

It’s so, so, much more than that.

It’s about the thousands of images that make up a person’s life. The images over the years from the good and the bad days.

The Birthdays, Christmases, Christenings and every life event they experience. The days they felt like they’d turned a corner, to the days where they felt all hope was lost.

One single image can’t possibly convey domestic abuse. Because it effects all of us in some way or other.

Whether it is directly or indirectly.

It’s a collage of emotions and a rich tapestry which no ONE image could ever do justice.

Every piece of a victim and survivor’s life at some point, comes together.

And eventually we see the whole picture.

I’m Lucy and I’m the creator of ydom.co.uk 

Knowing where to access support for yourself or someone else isn’t always that easy and can feel very overwhelming.

This is where You Don’t Own Me steps in. Check out my Resources Page for support and information.

As someone said to me recently, https://ydom.co.uk/ is a “one-stop shop” helping people find useful resources, support services and access to knowledge shared by professionals.

Listen to all episodes of DIP in and out with Lucy

Picture this! It’s 1999, and you’re a university student.

You decide you need a part time job at university to help you afford your weekly food shop….and the odd watered down beer at the Student’s Union. So you get a job in a local night club.

You’re enjoying the job and having fun making friends. You’re partner who you’ve met at uni, turns up for every shift you work. Which turns out to not be that many shifts because…

Your partner decides that you don’t need to work in a night club! In fact, you don’t need to work at all while at uni!

Joy of joys, they will contribute to the food bill because, let’s face it, you eat all your meals together anyway!

AND this way, you can spend as much time together as possible.

You don’t need to go out with your friends, because you have your partner and they love you and want to protect you, always.

BUT what actually transpires is, now you have no job. They are not contributing to the food bill and they spend every moment they can with you because you aren’t allowed out socialising with your friends. Unless your partner comes along too.

The seeds are being planted and you don’t even know it….

Fast forward 17 years and you are left by that same partner homeless, penniless, with two young children to support and a bucket load of trauma.

Answer honestly, how many of you saw that coming??

It’s easy to say the signs were there. But when those signs come wrapped in a package that resembles protection, what we don’t see, is that in actual fact…..all you were, was a possession.

DIP in and out with Lucy is going from strength to strength. Unwrapping the packages and saying, “Return to Sender.”

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

Listen to DIP in and out with Lucy on Spotify

So often we have a preconceived idea of what a perpetrator is. Until recent years, what was lesser understood and accepted was that a perpetrator could be someone in a position of authority.

Growing up, I lived in a society where we respected and feared those in authority.

For too long, those who hold positions of power have been allowed to hide behind their title and role. This makes the victim feel that there is no point in reporting the abuse. Not only because of the shame felt but because who would believe them?

In this blog I want to focus on “The Charmer.”

One of the many characteristics an abuser may portray is that of, “The Charmer.” They use their charm and guile to fool the victim – and the world into thinking they are genuine and an all round decent human being.

The exact opposite is true.

I was once told by someone that being, “charming is disarming.”

What a statement to make. How can using your charm to disarm someone be considered a positive trait in a human being? It means leaving that person vulnerable.

It took me a long time to realise that it wasn’t charm, but manipulation.

If someone in a position of authority, already believes that they are untouchable, how can we be surprised when they get away with it?

Especially if they have been enabled by others to continue the abuse, and believe their charm is disarming,

If individuals knew more and understood more about domestic abuse, they may be able to spot the signs and recognise the charmer for what they are – a manipulator.

There have been increasing cases in the media and press in recent years that have identified perpetrators as having held positions of power. But we need to do more than just read about it in the news.

Until victims/survivors can feel safe enough to come forward and speak out, nothing will change. We need to make individuals feel as safe and supported as possible and help them to feel the validation they deserve.

I am so proud of all ydom.co.uk is achieving, and for people to be able to read a blog, watch or listen to a podcast and realise that it is OK to talk about abuse, is incredible.

But domestic abuse can’t continue to be a “taboo” subject. It has to be a discussion everyone is included in. We all have to take responsibility and own the fact that anyone who has been impacted by domestic abuse has a right to their voice being heard.

No one should ever feel so desperate as to believe they have nowhere to turn.

There is so much support out there and so many professionals who are ready and waiting to here from you. No judgement – just support.

My vision is for ydom.co.uk to be a website full of support and hope. And I won’t stop until that becomes a reality.

The fire in me has been ignited and no charmer is going to dissuade me!

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou

You can check out my Resources Page for useful links.

I’ve also put together some helpful tips. Try all of them or just one – whatever works for you!

You can find my podcasts on YouTube