All posts by : Lucy Lu

Picture this! It’s 1999, and you’re a university student.

You decide you need a part time job at university to help you afford your weekly food shop….and the odd watered down beer at the Student’s Union. So you get a job in a local night club.

You’re enjoying the job and having fun making friends. You’re partner who you’ve met at uni, turns up for every shift you work. Which turns out to not be that many shifts because…

Your partner decides that you don’t need to work in a night club! In fact, you don’t need to work at all while at uni!

Joy of joys, they will contribute to the food bill because, let’s face it, you eat all your meals together anyway!

AND this way, you can spend as much time together as possible.

You don’t need to go out with your friends, because you have your partner and they love you and want to protect you, always.

BUT what actually transpires is, now you have no job. They are not contributing to the food bill and they spend every moment they can with you because you aren’t allowed out socialising with your friends. Unless your partner comes along too.

The seeds are being planted and you don’t even know it….

Fast forward 17 years and you are left by that same partner homeless, penniless, with two young children to support and a bucket load of trauma.

Answer honestly, how many of you saw that coming??

It’s easy to say the signs were there. But when those signs come wrapped in a package that resembles protection, what we don’t see, is that in actual fact…..all you were, was a possession.

DIP in and out with Lucy is going from strength to strength. Unwrapping the packages and saying, “Return to Sender.”

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

Listen to DIP in and out with Lucy on Spotify

So often we have a preconceived idea of what a perpetrator is. Until recent years, what was lesser understood and accepted was that a perpetrator could be someone in a position of authority.

Growing up, I lived in a society where we respected and feared those in authority.

For too long, those who hold positions of power have been allowed to hide behind their title and role. This makes the victim feel that there is no point in reporting the abuse. Not only because of the shame felt but because who would believe them?

In this blog I want to focus on “The Charmer.”

One of the many characteristics an abuser may portray is that of, “The Charmer.” They use their charm and guile to fool the victim – and the world into thinking they are genuine and an all round decent human being.

The exact opposite is true.

I was once told by someone that being, “charming is disarming.”

What a statement to make. How can using your charm to disarm someone be considered a positive trait in a human being? It means leaving that person vulnerable.

It took me a long time to realise that it wasn’t charm, but manipulation.

If someone in a position of authority, already believes that they are untouchable, how can we be surprised when they get away with it?

Especially if they have been enabled by others to continue the abuse, and believe their charm is disarming,

If individuals knew more and understood more about domestic abuse, they may be able to spot the signs and recognise the charmer for what they are – a manipulator.

There have been increasing cases in the media and press in recent years that have identified perpetrators as having held positions of power. But we need to do more than just read about it in the news.

Until victims/survivors can feel safe enough to come forward and speak out, nothing will change. We need to make individuals feel as safe and supported as possible and help them to feel the validation they deserve.

I am so proud of all ydom.co.uk is achieving, and for people to be able to read a blog, watch or listen to a podcast and realise that it is OK to talk about abuse, is incredible.

But domestic abuse can’t continue to be a “taboo” subject. It has to be a discussion everyone is included in. We all have to take responsibility and own the fact that anyone who has been impacted by domestic abuse has a right to their voice being heard.

No one should ever feel so desperate as to believe they have nowhere to turn.

There is so much support out there and so many professionals who are ready and waiting to here from you. No judgement – just support.

My vision is for ydom.co.uk to be a website full of support and hope. And I won’t stop until that becomes a reality.

The fire in me has been ignited and no charmer is going to dissuade me!

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou

You can check out my Resources Page for useful links.

I’ve also put together some helpful tips. Try all of them or just one – whatever works for you!

You can find my podcasts on YouTube

When I woke up this morning, I remembered a very vivid dream I had last night about one word.

Despair.

I very rarely can remember my dreams. More often than not I am exceedingly grateful for that.

But this dream was so vivid that when I woke up, I could clearly remember this one word that repeatedly showed up in the dream.

It was like a big billboard sign, flashing at me.

And it got me thinking.

A lot of how we cope with the feeling of despair can be our attitude and mindset towards it. And whether or not we are willing to talk about it and face it head on. We don’t always know where to look. There is support out there. And the right support can make a huge difference in your life.

You can find lots of useful links to support services on my Resources Page

The support network you have around you in your family, friends and work colleagues plays a vital role. But sometimes they don’t quite know what to say or do.

And it’s important to highlight that there is support out there for family, friends and work colleagues who need support navigating the difficult conversations that can arise.

Also, so that they can equip themselves in supporting you, which in turn, can help them try to understand the vast complexities of domestic abuse.

I don’t know how many other people have experienced this when people say, “not everyone could cope with what happened to you the way you have, you’re so strong.”

You can feel strong and you can feel weak, all at the same time. And this can lead to feelings of despair.

So how do you try to navigate that feeling of despair? 

In my blog Forgiveness – Is It Possible? I talk about how we all use the word hope in our vocabulary. Hoping the bus comes in the morning on time, we hope we have a good day whatever it is we are doing. It lies beneath the surface of our daily existence.

Hope is your absolute saving grace.

Over time, hope starts to outweigh despair, until eventually the feeling of despair is no longer important. You don’t need it and you certainly don’t want it.

To go back to the dream, I wasn’t frightened or upset when I woke up. I had given the feeling I’d felt for so long it’s proper name, despair. I’d put it on a billboard and was not ashamed. It was the best dream I can ever remember having.

Realising I had owned the feeling in my subconscious because it doesn’t own me. And it felt great. One of the many reasons I love the name of my website is because it speaks volumes.

For those impacted by domestic abuse, it’s not just about the abuser not owning you. It’s about those feelings, just like despair. They don’t own you either.

My head is constantly full of quotes and I love adding relevant ones to each blog. This one is a personal favourite of mine and always will be:

“I’m not an optimist. I’m a prisoner of hope.” Desmond Tutu

And I would rather be a prisoner of hope than a prisoner of despair any day of the week!

And today is a good day.

Check out my Resources Page for useful links.

You can find me on YouTube

Post-separation abuse is something we don’t talk about nearly enough. But is it because we’re not really sure what it means?

I touch on this subject with Sam Fisher, CEO at Trafford Domestic Abuse Services in our podcast episode.

Post-separation abuse is often overlooked for a number of reasons, more often than not due to the misconception that once an individual has left an abusive situation then that’s it, they’re free.

So what is Post-separation Abuse?

At it’s core, post-separation abuse is about the abuser doing their utmost to hang on to control and power. The abuser needs to remain in control.

So when an individual who has been controlled, manages to leave, the abuser can’t and won’t accept it. And the situation for many people, in fact, becomes so much worse and in the end is a living nightmare.

I have often said that post-separation abuse and trying to move forward with your life is like running a marathon and not a sprint.

But what do you do when there never appears to be a finish line because it’s constantly moving further and further away from you?

There isn’t a simple answer.

Until we are willing to try and understand and unpick the complexities of post-separation abuse, it will continue to go undetected in so many lives.

Because why would an individual speak out if they think they won’t be heard or understood?

Or just as worryingly, they don’t see that the abuse has continued after they have managed to leave. This is “just how it is.” It is their norm.

Anyone who has experienced and recognised that they have experienced post-separation abuse knows that it comes in all shapes and sizes. From the abuser withholding financial support to using harassment and intimidation to get what they want. Emotionally and physically abusing the children involved to try to retain power and control. Abuse of social and legal systems to attempt to frighten the individual into doing what the abuser wants.

And these are just a handful of examples.

Imagine leaving an abusive relationship and finally feeling free of the abuser. Then imagine, the abuser slowly starts to chip away at your new life and will do whatever it takes to keep controlling you. They may tap into your feelings of insecurity, your worries and fears.

Don’t forget, the abuser knows you, knows what makes you tick. They know everything about you and so what better way to keep control of you than using their knowledge of what frightens you.

This can and often does effect a person’s mental health and wellbeing. The abuser wants you to doubt yourself, doubt your own reality.

For many, it may feel as though going back to the abuser is the better option. Or giving in and doing whatever it is the abuser demands. For so many who have experienced domestic abuse, they are people pleasers.

So, when it comes to post-separation abuse many don’t want to rock the boat or have to face what inevitably will be a “one hand tied behind your back” fight for some level of freedom.

It is exhausting, it is crushing and you will want to give in. But don’t. DON’T GIVE UP and DON’T GIVE IN.

You have come this far, every step is one step closer to that life you can see for yourself and if you have family, for them as well.

If it is at all possible, limit the amount of contact you have with the abuser if for whatever reason, you still have to have some form of contact with them.

Don’t jump at every message or email sent. This is precisely what the abuser wants. And they know exactly what they are doing.

Breathe.

Try not to react and don’t feel as though you have to continue to justify yourself to the abuser. You don’t. This is your time now to realise, all the times you had to explain yourself or justify your opinions and actions. You don’t owe them an explanation.

What you do owe, is yourself the chance to live a life you deserve.

Talk to support services who can give you advice on the next steps to take. Whether you are on your own or you have children, they can help. They can also help you find group support or individual support. Whatever works for you.

Post-separation abuse is grueling, can last a long time and you will need support.

Family members and friends can also access support services to find out more about how to try and help their loved ones. Not only that but to help themselves navigate their way through supporting someone going through post-separation abuse.

You have as much right to happiness as the next person. I talk about this in my blog, From Self-preservation to Self-love “Remember: You have as much right to LOVE and HAPPINESS as the next person. You’ve just forgotten that!”

“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela

If this blog resonates with you, there is support out there. Check out my Resources Page for useful links.

Shame plays a devastating role in emotional abuse. It can make you feel so worthless and so alone.

In an abusive relationship, shame is used to control a victim’s feelings and emotions. This makes the abuser feel empowered and in control.

Like the majority of aspects of domestic abuse, the shame factor, doesn’t happen over night. It builds over time. And it continues to build to the point where the victim feels that staying with the abuser is the only option. Feelings of self-hatred and loathing deepen and slowly, you lose yourself.

It isn’t always possible to move on from the feeling of shame. Even if you do manage to leave the abusive situation.

Why?

Because we look for the faults in ourselves instead of looking for the beauty. I don’t mean attractiveness. Beauty shines out of us in our eyes, our smiles, our demeanor. It’s not in the “perfect image” we see so often in the media.

I took the photo above today. Bags under my eyes, lines and shadows. So what? It doesn’t define me.

I love the idea of Kintsugi. It is the Japanese art of putting broken pieces of pottery back together with gold. Embracing our flaws and imperfections can help us move forward from the feelings shame brings. And putting the broken pieces of your life back together is not shameful. It is to be praised.

Shame has eaten away at the very essence of your being.

So often, people don’t want to talk about lived experience of domestic abuse because they feel ashamed and embarrassed that it has come to this. There is nothing to be gained in feeling shame.

And you have nothing to be ashamed about.

You are incredible.

“The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?” – Julia Roberts’ in Pretty Woman

The bad stuff may be easier to believe but it doesn’t make it true!

Check out my Resources Page for useful links.

You can find me on YouTube

In recent years the term, well-being has become more prevalent.

We talk about our physical well-being, mental well-being, spiritual well-being and so on….

I think it’s fair to say quite a few of us in life will have a “rock bottom” moment. That moment when you’re not sure if you can take any more of the crap that has been laid at your door. The moment you feel absolutely desperate and afraid.

I never really considered what well-being meant until I personally hit rock bottom.

Consumed with taking care of my children and making sure I did my best to give them a “normal” life after we found ourselves with no choice but to ask my parents if we could move in with them.

I was desperate, humiliated, embarrassed and terrified for the future.

The house I thought I would spend the rest of my life in, was gone.

Homeless.

With two young children to support.

Everything seemed to change in the blink of an eye and I was powerless to stop any of it.

Looking back now, I realise it was THE greatest blessing of my life.

What I thought was tragedy was in fact triumph.

And what I believed to be my failures were my greatest success stories.

I slowly started to realise over time that human beings can survive so much of what life throws at us.

We fall, we get back up. Then we fall again and we get back up. We are incredible.

And do you know what the best part was for me?

I got to start over again.

I know some would say that the thought of starting your life over again at 38 years of age with two children sounds like hell.

But for me, it was a chance. A fresh start and a chance to live a life I deserved.

And part of what I deserved, was to take care of my own well-being.

I had always tried to “fix” everything. Make sure everyone else was happy. But in doing that, I put my own needs last and that eventually takes its toll on a person.

Thinking about all of this then made me think of those individuals impacted by domestic abuse that I’ve worked with – and I can promise you, the last thing they think about is their own well-being.

And it also made me think of those who have been able to leave an abusive situation. This, more often than not, is the most dangerous time and it’s when things can get even worse than you could possibly imagine.

It can take several attempts to leave an abuser and for some, eventually returning to their abuser feels like their only option. “Better the devil you know.”

They have become so used to the life they had. It becomes their “norm.”

Whatever the circumstances and whatever the situation, one thing is clear.

That the abuse has a huge impact on an individual’s well-being.

So how can someone even consider their well-being when they have so much to process and so much damage has been done?

In all honesty, I think a person has to get to the point where they want to start to look after their well-being. Nobody can be forced into it.

It can make people feel selfish to consider their own needs. Especially, when the needs of the abuser have been put first and had become paramount.

However you choose to take care of your own well-being know this. It is a small step in taking back control of your life. And it doesn’t have to cost the earth!

Starting off with something as simple as a walk. Either on your own or with someone you feel comfortable around. It doesn’t have to be climbing Mount Everest! It can be a walk round the block or your local park.

I am not saying for one second that it’s easy and it will take time. You will make every excuse to yourself that there is too much to do and you don’t have the time. But when your well-being is on the line, taking time for you is probably the most crucial and important step you’ll take!

It won’t happen overnight. It will take time and it still can be a struggle not to fall back into old ways of thinking and feeling.

Because your thoughts very much affect your feelings and you can spiral.

Just try to make sure that you check in with yourself.

How you’re feeling and what you’re thinking.

And please, ask for help. There is no shame in asking for help and support. So much support and help out there is free and it could be an absolute life saver for you.

Even just reading my blogs or listening to an episode of DIP in and out with Lucy can offer some relief even if only briefly.

You don’t always have to be the one giving 100% all the time.

You are allowed to stand back and take care of your own well-being.

You are allowed to ask for help and support.

I want to share one very important lesson for anyone who has experienced domestic abuse.

And it’s this.

It is 100% OK if some days the most you can say is, “I have given the best I could today.”

Staying present and living in that moment, is all you can do some days.

But I do ask you to do one thing for me.

NEVER give up.

When you have those moments where you feel as though you’re not going to make it through the day, because you fear what tomorrow will bring.

Remember this,

“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.” – Lucy Maud Montgomery

You CAN start over. And you have the chance to live a life you deserve.

It’s National Stalking Awareness Week 2023 and I thought it was important to write a blog in relation to stalking and domestic abuse.

For many years, I had a preconceived idea of what stalking was. I grew up as a teenager in the 90’s and stalking wasn’t something I remember being discussed to any great extent. There was no social media back then or mobile phones. Anything you heard at the time would be through a news report or the newspapers.

Thankfully, things have changed significantly since then. The opportunities for people now to share their experiences and report stalking has been brought to the forefront with organisations such as the Suzy Lamplugh Trust

The Trust’s mission is, “to reduce the risk and prevalence of abuse, aggression, and violence – with a specific focus on stalking and harassment – through education, campaigning, and support.”

And as recently as 2021, The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 Statutory Guidance now covers Harassment or Stalking.

55. Where harassment or stalking occurs, and the perpetrator and victim are 16 or over and “personally connected”, this behaviour falls within the scope of the statutory definition of domestic abuse in the 2021 Act. For example, it may constitute physical abuse, threatening behaviour, controlling or coercive behaviour, or emotional or psychological abuse. – The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 Statutory Guidance.

Many domestic abuse victims/survivors may not realise what they are experiencing is stalking.

Domestic Abuse and Stalking:

In a domestically abusive relationship, the abuser over time, can lead the victim into believing and therefore misinterpreting protection for possession. The abuser views you as their property and they believe they have the right to complete ownership over you and what you do. It may be something as simple as following you on a night out with your friends with the pretense that they’re just checking you’re ok. Or coming up with excuses so that you’ll return home early. Whatever the reasons, the abuser knows exactly what they are doing. The stalking and abuse doesn’t always end when the relationship does.

To impact matters further, stalking is no longer just about stalking someone in person. Along with the positives in the progress of technology there is also the negative side.

With the rise of social media platforms over the years, stalking took a truly terrifying twist. Cyberstalking. This is a type of cybercrime which uses the internet and technology to harass or stalk a person. It can be considered as an addition to in-person stalking. It opens up domestic abuse victims to further danger and lack of control over their own life.

Tracking devices and software can be installed on someone’s phone, computer, iPad – all manner of devices. Including, children’s devices. They can also install tracking devices on cars. All the while, the individual has no idea that they are being constantly monitored. It is such a vast problem.

There is no easy answer to any of it. But hopefully, by raising awareness and understanding, we can begin to discuss all of the issues, including stalking, that impact those who have experienced domestic abuse.

If you are struggling and need to speak to someone for support, you can find links to support on my Resources page.

I just watched my parents drive off. They only live down the road.

But it took my breath away.

And here’s why….

Taking a moment and remembering all the good things there are to appreciate in life can be hard, especially when you have experienced domestic abuse.

The focus of your day (without even realising it sometimes) is on all the negatives. The negative things from your past and the negative things you are worried will happen today or in the future. It consumes you. Sometimes to the point where it’s hard to remember truly being happy or content for just a moment.

For those who have lived experience of domestic abuse it is a day to day uphill battle. And when there are children involved, it can be hard to focus on living in the moment and enjoying watching them growing up, for fear of what is around the corner.

Domestic Abuse robs it’s victims of so many simple day to day pleasures.

I have worked with some amazing victims and survivors and I only know this.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

If you can, take a moment when you are feeling overwhelmed to tell yourself to stop. Just stop, for a moment. Look at yourself and remind yourself just how far you have come. If you have children, look at your children and remind yourself, just how incredible they are.

I realised some time ago that the moments I get to share with my children are so unbelievably precious. Why would I want to waste a single moment fretting over things I couldn’t control? Once I made that decision, it became easier and easier to enjoy the walks to school, chatting and playing silly games we’d made up on the walk there. Instead of filling my head with all the “what ifs.”

Occasionally, you may have to pull yourself back from the brink of spiraling into worry and doubt. But it does get easier with practice. You will have the most wonderful memories of walking your children to school and playing games that one day they may play with their children.

Your legacy is yours to protect.

The legacy of all the happy memories and moments you’ve shared with your families. Nobody can take that away from you.

One of the earliest signs of domestic abuse, is when the abuser, starts to alienate you from your family and friends. The support network you had slowly starts to disappear.

I had no choice but to move in with my parents who still lived where I had grown up. I had some amazing memories of my own childhood there.

The years ahead were hard and I did my best to provide for my children. Making them happy was my only goal.

And what didn’t kill me, only made me stronger.

As the years have rolled by, I asked them both recently, how they had felt, living with me and their grandparents? They said they were some of the best years of their lives.

We can become so focused on what we think we’re getting wrong and where we’re failing, when all along, those who love us are just enjoying the time they have with us.

I got to reconnect with my parents who I thought I would only see so many times a year. Now they are getting on in years and I am able to be there for them. I get to repay them for all the love, kindness and patience they showed me.

I now live where I have the most amazing support network of family and friends and I have to pinch myself sometimes to believe that things really did turn out so well!

“What does not kill me makes me stronger.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

If you are struggling and need to speak to someone for support, you can find links to support on my Resources page.

You can find me on Instagram

We all have ways of coping with stress and the day to day challenges life throws at us.

Stop and think for a minute what your re-set button is. It might be reading, writing, meeting up with friends or watching one of your favourite television shows. Whatever it is that helps you manage the stresses of life, it makes you feel better, even if only for a short time.

Experiencing Domestic Abuse takes its toll on a person in so many ways. Sometimes to the point where the victim is not sure how they can face the day ahead. The thought of putting on a brave face, smiling and saying you’re fine when you are most definitely not is unbelievably draining.

Victims and survivors can get to the point where they are physically ill from all the pressure they are under.

Well-being and self-love are terms we hear a lot about these days. I talk about this in my Blog, From Self-preservation to Self-love.

For many people who have experienced Domestic Abuse, they will not have looked after their own well-being for sometime. If ever.

It’s difficult to imagine being able to put your own needs as a priority. You’ve been conditioned for so long to put the abuser’s needs before your own.

The problem is, it’s hard to switch off when you have so many worries and concerns going around in your head.

There’s no hard and fast answer to it, but try when you can to stop and do something you love.

My re-set button is being by the sea, just watching, listening and taking it all in. Letting my mind just wander, even just for a little while.

“Happiness is a state of mind. It’s just according to the way you look at things.” – Walt Disney.

Check out my Resources Page for useful links.

You can find me Instagram

When you or someone you know has experienced domestic abuse, a common trait of any abuser, is narcissism. It’s a word we hear a lot about these days, especially on social media.

But do we really understand what it means? When we think of narcissism, we tend to think of people who are self-obsessed or occupied with their own looks. So what’s the difference between Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

When we talk about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it’s so much more than self-obsession. The individual believes in their own self-importance to the point where their entitlement in any given situation outweighs anything else. They are convinced that they must be admired and lack any empathy for anyone.

They will happily exploit anyone for their own gain.

When NPD is present in a domestically abusive relationship, the victim can feel as though their whole world is in the hands of the abuser, that they are pulling all the strings and the victim is powerless to stop them.

So how do you navigate dealing with Narcissistic Personality Disorder when domestic abuse is involved?

The first thing to realise is that the individual is not going to change  – for anyone.

They are beyond resistant to changing their behaviour because they do not believe they are in the wrong. It can be exhausting for the victim trying to reason with the abuser but at the end of the day, it really is a case of, “their way or the highway.”

Once you accept that whatever you say or do is not going to change how the individual with NPD behaves, then you can start to think about how you can find support for yourself.

The support may come from professionals you can check out my Resources Page for useful links, or it may be family and friends you can speak to.

Whoever it is, just remember you have the right to set boundaries for yourself.

It won’t be a walk in the park.

You will have ups and downs as you try to let go of all the hurtful and cruel things the individual with NPD has done to you.

These things stay with you but you can move forward with one step at a time. Slowly you will start to take control of your life back.

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” – Steve Maraboli

You can find me on Instagram