All posts by : Lucy Lu

There is a good reason why I like the photo above so much.

For me, it represents trying to put the past behind me and I’m genuinely enjoying living in the moment! This would not have been the case several years ago. I couldn’t have imagined that there were better times ahead for me and my family than we had left behind.

One of the many reasons I couldn’t imagine this is because I had arrived at a point that I never thought I would. I found it hard to place my trust in people.

TRUST plays a big part in life. Without it, where would we be? It’s part of the foundation of every relationship we will ever have and I don’t just mean romantic relationships.

We trust our family and friends to love us, be there for us and to support us. We want to believe and trust things will work out eventually, even when we don’t know what the answer is to a particular situation we’re in.

Trust is such a precious commodity. It opens us up as human beings to be vulnerable with another person and to believe that person won’t hurt us. But when we believe it’s been broken, what then? Is it possible to ever place your trust in anyone ever again? The amazing thing about being human, is our resilience and our ability to keep moving forward, even in the face of adversity.

But I have to admit alongside forgiveness  – which I talk about in my blog Forgiveness – Is It Possible? trust is another one I have found hard to wrap my head around!

So consider, those individuals who have experienced domestic abuse, it can be even more difficult to even consider trusting anyone ever again.

You don’t know if you even trust your own judgement anymore, let alone trusting in another person.

Your partner, a family member, whoever the abuser is  – that person you placed your trust in and thought you knew 100% –  all of a sudden, is like a stranger to you now. You don’t recognise them anymore.

Your world seems to implode and you’re left in shock, grieving for a relationship you thought you had and you’re left asking yourself the question, “how the hell did I end up here?”

The sad fact of the matter is, that person was ALWAYS a stranger to you, they haven’t changed, you have just started to see through the “fog” and the lived experience of abuse is becoming clearer to you. But you’re still reeling from the fact that your trust has been utterly abused.

I’ve thought a lot about trust, having worked with victims and survivors of domestic abuse and a thought came to me that, I now realise, has helped many people.

Ok, I think of it this way. Your ability to trust someone in the future hasn’t been taken away from you.

You believe it has because of the abuse you have endured.

But your ability to trust is still there.

How?

Because the abuser you placed your trust in, in that abusive relationship in the first place, DOESN’T EXIST. They aren’t real, the relationship was never genuine, or based on honesty, love, respect or truth. Yes on your part it was all of those things – but not on the part of the abuser.

They have been playing a very cunning role the whole time – sometimes for a considerable amount of time, but it’s a role none the less.

You still have the possibility in the future of placing your trust in something real and true.

Just think of that possibility!

So when it comes to how you face the road that’s ahead of you, what can you do?

Well, invariably, it’s a long road that’s for sure but you have every right to be wary and cautious of anyone who you choose to let into your life in the future.

You have every right to exercise any boundaries you have put in place for yourself. But your trust is YOURS to give – it hasn’t been destroyed because the relationship with the abuser wasn’t genuine.

My Dad gave me a very sound piece of advice some years ago when we were talking about trust.

He said, for him it’s a case of, “don’t tell me, show me.”

So, if someone truly wants to be in your life, and if they are truly worthy of you, then their actions will tell you everything you need to know.

And for those who are fortunate enough to eventually see through the abuse, they know that any relationship whether it’s with their partner or family, is based on love, honesty, trust, respect, to name but a few.

But an abuser’s only goal in any relationship is to satisfy their own wants and needs. And that’s not what a genuine relationship is built on.

Check out my Resources Page for useful links.

Don’t let the abuser steal one more moment of your time or have you believing you can never trust again because:

“There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.” – C.S. Lewis.

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It’s a question that I think many people who have lived through an abusive relationship can relate to on some level.

If you’ve been through one abusive situation, are you doomed to keep repeating the pattern?

I don’t think there is any straight forward answer and it may depend a lot on how much you process the situation you have been through. And what you can learn from it.

Support services are a great way of trying to work through and understand the effects domestic abuse has on an individual.

There are so many services out there. Check out my Resources Page for useful links to support.

We can all bury our heads in the sand, hope that things will get better and leave emotions and past hurts to go unresolved.

But the problem is, when we do that, we are imprisoning and condemning ourselves to keep reliving and rehearsing the pain that has been caused by the abuse.

There is almost an element of justification that we tell ourselves, we’re entitled to feel the hurt and pain over and over again.

But by doing this, nothing changes for you and you’re stuck, trapped now as prisoners of your own hurt, sadness, resentment and frustration.

In my blog Forgiveness – Is It Possible?  I talk about how I tell my children when they think they have been wronged by someone or something, that it is perfectly acceptable to feel hurt and resentful. Just DON’T STAY THERE!

Easy to say and so much harder to do!

The only way I believe you can ever move forward from your past trauma is if you have the courage to LET IT GO.

Try to stop allowing the past to control your present and your future.

If you can do this, you may just find that you can have a life that you are more than entitled to live.

You’re not moving forward for the abuser’s sake, you’re moving forward for your own. It won’t work for everybody and even if it does, you have to keep at it.

It won’t just happen overnight.

Maybe work on it alongside any support you’re receiving. If you’re not receiving support, check out my Resources Page where you can find links to various support services.

Or get in touch via my Contact Page.

It will take as long as it takes and you may think you’ve cracked it until something happens, and you realise you haven’t.

Don’t give up on letting go.

Keep letting go.

Don’t spend all of your energy and time trying to hold on to the past. It can feel as though you’re drowning in the sadness, anger, pain, hurt and injustice of it all.

Nobody is saying that you do not have the right to feel all of those emotions and more.

Just please don’t let it drag you under. The abuse has held you under for so long.

It shouldn’t be allowed to keep you there.

Rise to the surface, breathe and let go.

Until you can learn to do this, the chances of history being doomed to repeat itself are pretty high.

And you may indeed find ourselves in more than one abusive relationship because you didn’t process what happened to you before.

You might as well be stumbling around in the dark.

But if learning to let go gives you even a glimmer of hope for a life without abuse, isn’t it worth trying?

“It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness” – Eleanor Roosevelt.

You can find me on Instagram

The photo below is from……

Christmas Day 2016. The camera turned to me and I’m pulling a silly face to try and be funny. I’d had very little sleep for months but didn’t want my children, my family or my friends to know how exhausted I was. I didn’t want to ruin their Christmas.

We can all fake a smile and try being funny at times to pretend to ourselves and the world that everything is OK.

But if we look closer, what lies beneath the surface of any of us?

As I’m writing this blog, I’m sitting here thinking about the photo and a crack in the plaster in the hallway.

Why am I telling you this?

Well, it got me thinking about what lies beneath the surface. It may just be the house’s age, it may be the new plaster is settling down and cracks do appear.

Or could it be something deeper and more worrying.

Individuals who experience abuse will put a brave face on things and tell everyone they’re fine.

They don’t always notice or want to notice the cracks appearing and starting to spread.

They just want to go about their daily routine and try not to think about the niggling thoughts that are lurking somewhere in the back of their minds. But it’s clear that something isn’t right.

Gut instinct is rarely wrong.

When we’re growing up, we’re told relationships are complicated and so it may not come as a big surprise when cracks start to form in some of our own relationships.

➡Maybe you’ve been together a long time, maybe all your adult life.

➡Or maybe you’re starting to have doubts about a new relationship.

➡You could be dependent on your partner due to health reasons, or financial reasons.

➡You think you’re family will disown you if you take any steps to end the relationship.

➡Or maybe your family has already disowned you. It could be that your family is the problem.

And these are just a handful of examples!

So add to that the thought of leaving?

It’s so easy for others to tell people that they should just leave.

But for the individual there is so much to fear.

Fear of what the abuser might do to them, themselves or their families.

Fear of change.

The abuse has become so “normalised” and the individual doesn’t know if they can make it on their own.

They’ve “invested” in the relationship. But at what cost?

They don’t want to think about the repercussions and so for many, they avoid those thoughts and feelings but like the crack in the plaster, it’s not going to go away.

It will take time.

You will need support – when you’re ready.

I hope the day comes for anyone who is experiencing domestic abuse when they can ask themselves this question…

“Why on earth am I wasting precious time on someone who never invested in me?”

Deep down, many people don’t believe they are worth investing in. But they are!

And it takes courage to look beneath the surface and realise…

“An investment in yourself pays the best interest.” – Benjamin Franklin.

Check out my Resources Page for useful links.

You can find me on Instagram

My website started off with a completely different name until someone I admired told me that they didn’t think it worked.

What I love about being able to say this now is because, several years ago I would have been completely crushed and taken it as a criticism. But here’s the thing, I didn’t! I took what had been said and thought, “OK.”

The reason I’m saying this is because I had spent the majority of my life feeling worthless. I hadn’t had a hugely successful career although I’d graduated from university and I’d always worked. I had never had a big fat salary to rely and fall back on.

One of the many things I noticed with the domestic abuse victims I have worked with is their feeling of worthlessness. It strips away the person they once were. Maybe you were a fun loving kid or teenager and slowly over time, you change. Not because you want to but because you don’t even see it happening. When people talk about something being a marathon and not a sprint, that’s what it’s like for those have encountered abuse, it happens, very slowly, and steadily.

Even if you somehow manage to leave the domestically abuse situation, you can’t go back to the person you were before it all started. It’s part of you now.  Part of who you are, just like anything else that has happened to you in your life. You can’t erase it or pretend it didn’t happen – that doesn’t solve anything and will only make matters worse.

So what can you do?

The answer is, you can own it.

Until you own what has happened to you, the abuser is still in charge and you will feel as though they still own you. Even your very thoughts and feelings.

You will try and own it several times (in fact it will most likely be a lot more than that) before you start to believe it. But you are the only one who can choose how you wish to live your life.

You’re in charge, not the abuser. YOU.

The abuser does not own you.

No matter who they are, whether they are your family, your partner or a close friend. NOBODY has the right to OWN anyone, or to make anyone feel ashamed of who they are. They don’t have the right to decide what you wear, how you have your hair, what you eat, who you spend your time with etc.

Once you allow yourself to see even a glimpse of how you want your life to be, it can genuinely start to change. Small steps and one at a time. It’s there and you can feel it. It’s exciting and frightening all at the same time.

The, “what if’s?” start to go round and round in your head, “What if I fail?” “What if I stay?” But keep going, persevere, it will all be worth it in the end.

And the beauty is that you can do this at any age and any stage of your life. You can start right now.

Anyone who knows me knows I love a good quote. In fact, they have kept me going through some very dark times. And I think the most relevant one that springs to mind right now is,

“If you’re going through hell, keep going”  – Winston Churchill.

You wouldn’t want to walk back through hell if you were already in it, would you?

Our human nature would be to keep going.

So keep going!

That’s why You Don’t Own Me is the perfect name. Because it’s true. Nobody owns you!

Check out my Resources Page for useful links. I’ve put together some helpful tips that have been a lifesaver for me over the years.

You can find me on Instagram

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question, it’s usually because something negative or unfair has happened to you in your life.

At some point in all our lives, we’ve had things happen to us that seem unfair or unjust and we just can’t work out why.

We can condemn ourselves and believe that it’s all our own fault.

We can spend weeks, months and years trying to pick apart every aspect of what went wrong and never find the answer.

Blaming and shaming ourselves sometimes for “allowing” things to happen to us.

When we least expect it, usually when we’re doing something perfectly normal like watching TV, or waiting in line at the supermarket, we ask ourselves this question.

Could things have turned out differently if I’d just done X, Y and Z?

We look at other people and think, “I bet their life is so great and they have nothing to worry about”.

But this just isn’t true.

Nearly all of us have worries and fears, for a multitude of reasons but it’s hard not to judge others, when looking at our own lives.

For example, do we judge those who’ve experienced or are living in a domestically abusive situation?

Are we empathetic and understanding or are we thinking, “well, they chose to be with that person, so it’s kind of their fault.

“They brought it on themselves.”

“I don’t understand why they don’t just leave?”

Domestic abuse has never been that simple. It is so much bigger than that!

It’s a subject most people find difficult to discuss. These two words have such impact and the way we respond to them varies from person to person.

In essence, I believe what it comes down to is this.

We don’t want to think or talk about it because, it’s too difficult a concept to comprehend or it’s too sad or too traumatic to think about.

Or we don’t even realise what we or someone else is experiencing is domestic abuse.

But if we don’t talk about it, nothing will change!

The reason I wanted to start writing blogs and recording my podcast is because I realised that, now more than ever, we need to be breaking down the barriers and opening up the discussion.

It can’t be kept in the shadows anymore.

It affects so many of us in so many ways.

So, asking the question; “could things have turned out differently if I’d done X, Y and Z? when talking about a domestically abusive situation.

The answer to this is a resounding…….

No!

You see, the individual asking that question is never the problem.

The abuser is.

Check out my Resources Page for useful links. I’ve put together some helpful tips that have been a lifesaver for me over the years.

You can find me on Instagram

This is probably one of the most commonly asked questions and is constantly in the spotlight when we talk about domestic abuse.

It is also one of the most damaging questions too.

Why is it we think if someone leaves an abusive situation that automatically, the abuse will stop? In fact, the exact opposite is usually true. The abuser ramps up the need for control over the victim/survivor. They know they are losing control and this cannot possibly happen.

How dare the victim/survivor believe that they will be “allowed” to continue a life without them.

There are so many various types of abuse, but ultimately, it’s always about having POWER and CONTROL over you.

And this can happen to ANYONE.

In my blog, It was NEVER about LOVE I talk about the possibility of not being in a position to leave the situation you’re in. Because it’s not always that simple.

What if you have nowhere else to go?

If financially, you can’t afford to leave?

You’re not old enough to leave home?

You care for the abuser or they care for you?

What if the abuser threatens to kill themselves if you leave?

Domestic abuse is never that straight forward.

The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter who you are, abuse is abuse and walking away from the abuser isn’t always that simple.

It’s so easy to sit back and look at someone else’s situation and judge them.

But what are you judging that person on?

You’re own personal situation?

How can that make sense!

The impact domestic abuse has on a person’s life has NO expiration date.

They aren’t recovering from a cold or the flu.

This is consistent and persistent abuse drilled into the very fiber of that person’s being by the abuser.

So often victims and survivors feel that the support they start out with from family, friends, work colleagues is vital to them but eventually it starts to wane. This can be down to not knowing how to support the victim/survivor.

It starts off strong but what many people don’t realise is this is a marathon that the individual is going through, not a sprint.

And usually, the individual has a million things going on behind the scenes that those family, friends, work colleagues can’t even fathom.

If we can educate and help society to begin to understand the impact abuse has (over the course of many years in some cases) then maybe we wouldn’t be so quick to judge victims/survivors and their situations.

This is why it is so important we have as many resources and support services out there, not only to help victims and survivors but those family, friends, work colleagues who want to be supportive – they just don’t know how to go about it.

Have a look at my Resources Page where you can find links to relevant domestic abuse support services and information on what domestic abuse is and who it affects.

You can find me on Instagram

Domestic abuse strips the victim of any power or control over their own life. The abuser takes their time, slowly, carefully to ensure this is your new “normal.”

The victim does not question it, they just accept it.

Because questioning an abuser will get you – nowhere. They will have you convinced your wrong and tie your thoughts and feelings up in knots.

So for those people experiencing domestic abuse, they will just accept it.

The abuse may have happened a long time ago. Or you or someone you know could still be living in an abusive environment.

• For those who have experienced or been impacted by domestic abuse, how do you process the trauma attached to it?
• How do you live with it day to day?
• And here’s the big question, can you ever forgive?

There are so many choices out there now in terms of support services  – which is incredible. You may have to try various types of support until you find the one that’s right for you. EVERYONE is different. You can find useful links on my Resources Page

Have you ever been in a position when you thought you had forgiven someone for something but then you think about it again and the resentment and hurt just come flooding straight back? We can fixate on it and that makes it so much harder to move forward – not necessarily move on but move forward.

I tell my children when they think they have been wronged by someone or something, that it is perfectly acceptable to feel hurt and resentful….just DON’T STAY THERE! Easy to say and so much harder to do!

So here’s the big question – forgiveness, is it possible?

When it comes to forgiveness we want it to be like it is in so many movies. When the film starts off all happy then there’s the twists and turns until all is forgiven and the characters ride off into the sunset – and it all takes approximately 2 hours for all to be forgiven!

Life isn’t like that. And I spent so long believing we have to work at forgiveness. So when I heard Oprah talk about forgiveness, I literally stopped in my tracks. I stood there thinking, “Oh my God! That’s it!”

She said that, “It’s not about condoning whatever it is that person did to mistreat you. It is about not allowing what they did to affect how you live your life now. Dr. Gerald Jampolsky put it to me this way years ago on The Oprah Show. It was a big old aha moment that I’ve accepted now as spiritual law when he said:

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” I repeat that. Forgiveness is giving up the hope that what would have, could have, should have happened, in fact…it did not happen. It’s accepting the reality of what did happen, and moving on. This truth has been fundamental in allowing me to live my best life. It was transformative. You have to come to the realization that what might have been, is not what is.” – Oprah Winfrey

You may have to read it over and over and over again. It may take time to digest it and accept it.

But the fact is, we can’t change the past. It’s so simple when you think about it.

We all use the word hope in our vocabulary. We hope the bus comes in the morning on time, we hope we have a good day whatever it is we are doing, spending time with family and friends or going to school or work, etc.. Hope is something that lies beneath the surface of our daily existence and, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”

I find this concept so powerful, it demonstrates to me that I could have spent the rest of my life, holding onto the hope that the past could have been anything other than what it was.

And what lead on from that concept of forgiveness was to also accept that you have to STOP blaming yourself for the actions of others. It was or is their choice to behave in the way that they do.

Knowing what I know now, I believe I wanted to be able to look back on my past and not feel like a failure, that I hadn’t wasted years of my life. Hadn’t “allowed” myself to be manipulated by people. But once I started to realise that the past couldn’t have been any different, I felt a freedom from it.

At 45 years of age, the rest of my life is most definitely turning into the best of my life.

And to think, I could have spent the rest of it hoping that the past could have been any different than it was!

If you can relate to this blog and need support, please check out my Resources Page for useful links.

You can find me on Instagram

Love is a very emotive topic for good reason. If we’re lucky, we will have experienced some form of love in our lives. When we enter the world and as we grow, love usually comes from our family and friends.

As we get older, we can experience the feeling of love through intimate relationships.

But what happens when things start to unravel and the way in which someone is behaving towards you doesn’t feel genuine and loving ?

I think one of the most difficult ideas to accept when we talk about domestic abuse, is realising the way in which someone has treated you – was never about LOVE. It was about CONTROL.

You my have heard the term, “Love Bombing” especially when discussing domestic abuse. In a nutshell, Love Bombing is when the abuser tries to control a person through their acts of overwhelming attention and affection.

It doesn’t have to be your partner that is Love Bombing you, it can also be a family member.

It may have been going on for decades or may have only just begun. The important thing to understand is, Love Bombing isn’t LOVE.

Things may be ok for a while, but in domestically abusive situations, it won’t stay that way. Something will happen and the abuse continues – whether it’s emotionally, financially, physically, psychologically or sexually. All the abuser cares about is their own wants and needs. It has nothing to do with loving you or wanting what is best for you – that’s their cover up.

The individual has now become reliant on the abuser and the connection is already established. NO ONE is going to come between them.  Whatever problems are going on will all go away if the victim can just get back to that, “happy place” of feeling “loved.”

It will never happen.

The Trauma Bond is in now firmly in place and the individual is stuck in an endless loop. This is not love.

I think we attach a lot of what we believe is love to our self worth. How much love are we really worth to someone? If we have very little self worth, we may accept anything as love from someone who shows us attention, affection and make ourselves believe that it’s love. It’s not.

I know that sounds so easy to say and it takes as long as it takes to accept – it was NEVER about LOVE.

There are times when you feel like you are losing your mind. The abuser has convinced you, you are the problem, you are the reason things go wrong when they do.

But you are not to blame.

The blame and shame culture that develops from people believing that what has happened or what is happening to them is their fault is a devastating thought to me and it can have a huge impact on their well-being.

All that person has done is believe that they are or were loved – there is NO shame in that.

And in an ironic twist, guess what??

Abusers don’t know how to love.

This is such a difficult concept to get your head around, because everybody wants to believe their partners and their families love them and want nothing but the best for them. To even try to imagine that a person you’ve placed so much faith and trust in doesn’t actually care about you at all, let alone love you, is unthinkable.

So what now?

It may be that you are not in a position to leave the situation you’re in and it drives me mad when people say why don’t they just walk away from the abuser? It’s not always that simple.

What if you have nowhere else to go?

Financially, you can’t afford to leave?

You’re not old enough to leave home?

If you care for the abuser or they care for you?

What if the abuser threatens to kill themselves if you leave?

No matter what your situation is remember this, you’re NOT “going mad” and you are so very, very worthy of genuine LOVE.

Abuse does not define who you are.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Gustav Jung

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to look for support – or even realise it’s there. Contacting support services can be daunting but each and every person who is on the other end of the phone or reading the email query you have sent, is ready to listen and wants to help.

There is no judgement.

I urge anyone who feels like they may need to speak to someone. Do it.

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

Okay, so you can’t literally move mountains but you can make choices to remove the obstacles that stand in your way.

Or at the very least, try to manage those obstacles so that you can make your life a life you’re happy to live. Experiencing domestic abuse means those obstacles can be so much bigger.

So where do we start?

Life has so many challenges and obstacles that we all have to face, but for those who have experienced domestic abuse, are still experiencing it or don’t even know that they are experiencing abuse, makes those challenges and obstacles even more difficult to process.

One of the biggest challenges for those impacted by abuse is where to get support and advice – it’s not always that easy.

You may not know what types of support are out there. You may live in the same house as the abuser. This is where the day to day challenges and obstacles become so much bigger when abuse is at the centre.

So when it comes to professional support either during or after abuse, it can feel very daunting. You may be nervous and unsure if this is the right decision.

It’s about the individual and each experience is completely unique to each person.

Support is vital to understanding the complexities of domestic abuse and learning how to move forward, day by day.

Even if seeking support wasn’t what you thought it would be, to a certain extent it was a safety net that you had.

There were people to talk to and for them to listen to you.

Especially if you’ve never spoken about your experiences before  – support can be life changing.

So here’s the problem, what happens when professional support ends?

Because support comes in all shapes and sizes when it’s gone, it can leave a big void in your life and you can ask yourself the question, “What do I do now?”

I created You Don’t Own Me and DIP in and out with Lucy so that nobody ever felt alone or that they had nowhere to turn.

They are there as constant support and resources to help individuals manage their day to day life either during or after domestic abuse.

You can read blogs, guest blogs, watch or listen to episodes of my podcast to help you navigate the conversation around domestic abuse.

And you can find help and support through my resources page.

But essentially, what you do next, is up to you, and that can be a terrifying thought.

Domestic abuse strips away the person you once were and it may be hard to even remember a time when you were genuinely happy.

My advice?

Give yourself a break.

You’ve spent so long blaming yourself and feeling so low that it will take time to get up and move forward with your life.

You may get up and then something happens and you feel like you’re back to square one.

Get up again and get up again until one day you realise just how far you’ve come.

You may be only half way to moving that mountain but you’re half way further on than when you started!

You’re allowed to feel strong AND you’re allowed to feel fragile. There is a balance to all of it.

Just as you’re allowed to have good days and you’re allowed to have bad days.

Listen to songs that make you smile or feel empowered and if you feel like it, sing!

Read books that bring you joy, watch a film that makes you laugh, go for a walk.

If you can, volunteer for a worthy cause – it may help others to see your compassion and understanding and it may just help you too!

Remember those positive emotions are still inside you, just waiting to get out!

BUT when you need to cry…cry, there’s no shame in it.

You have the right to cry.

All the emotions you experience are helping you process the abuse.

You are the overcomer.

You are the hero of your own life story.

And you can move any mountain – just not literally!

Check out my Resources Page for useful links.

You can find me on Instagram

For victims and survivors who are impacted by domestic abuse, it feels like they can’t see the wood for the trees!

Self-preservation is everything! But what if we opened our minds up to the idea of self-love?

Self-preservation

Life is stressful enough at the best of times. We’re told that we need to plan for the future but also live in the moment, to watch what we eat but then see adverts everywhere for fast-food, to learn to love ourselves, but also take care of others. So when we’re told we need to learn to say, “No” and to have boundaries – we’re almost waiting to see what the flip side will be! We’re told that saying, “No” has a huge and positive impact on our mental health, that it gives us the opportunity to value and love ourselves.

That all sounds absolutely great…

But can you imagine saying, “No” in a domestically abusive situation?

When we talk about domestic abuse, we don’t think of an individual saying, “No” to the abuser, we would imagine that the individual says, “Yes” to whatever it is the abuser wants or demands. For anyone who is or has been impacted by domestic abuse, whether directly or indirectly through family, friends and work colleagues, they will know that the individual feels that their only choice is to keep the peace, to not antagonise the situation, to not elevate or inflame the atmosphere around them. At this point in time, saying, “No” is not an option. If an individual does take a stand, the consequences can be unthinkable.

The definition of self-preservation is: “the action of keeping yourself safe or alive in a dangerous situation, often without thinking about what you are doing.” – Collins Dictionary

This is a very common attribute associated with domestic abuse. The victim will do whatever it takes to survive. It may be something as simple as saying yes when what you really mean is no but you say yes to keep the peace. We often hear victims of domestic abuse talk about, “walking on eggshells” when they are describing their experiences.

This is because, when you live in a domestically abusive environment, there is always tension bubbling under the surface. You may go weeks (or if you’re lucky), months before something triggers the abuser’s volatile reaction to something but it’s there…just waiting. Agreeing with everything the abuser says and does is vital to your survival.

So what other option is there?

You can seek help and support during or post abuse or you can offer help and support to someone we believe is being abused – but that may not always be possible.

You may not even realise that what you or someone you know is experiencing is domestic abuse.

So how do you navigate situations where you want to say, “No”? I’m not saying it’s easy by any means to start saying no. But if you can maybe think of what boundaries you want to set out for yourselves, that’s a huge step in the right direction.

Once you have some idea of where your boundaries lie, you can start to think of situations where your boundaries are regularly abused and manipulated.

And then start to think about what matters to you, your opinions, your choices etc.. saying no doesn’t have to be done in a hostile way. The abuser may try and manipulate you into doing whatever it is they want, but by the time you’ve started to think of your own boundaries, you’ve already started the process of saying no, you’ve started to think about you.

Self-love

We hear so much about self-love these days, from social media to chart topping songs . They paint a picture of how each of us could be if we could only learn “self-love.” I used to find the idea of self-love to be arrogant, obnoxious and selfish.

But it is definitely none of those things!

Self-love is when we learn to appreciate ourselves and our own worth so we can support our physical and psychological growth. When we say yes to everything and everyone around us, we end up running round in circles and eventually, we burn ourselves out. We more often than not, end up run down, exhausted and we can actually make ourselves physically ill.

Self-love means thinking about our own well-being and happiness, taking care of our own needs and not sacrificing ourselves to please everyone around us. The biggest thing for many of us to do, is to say one of the smallest words in the world, “No.” For the people pleasers and the peace keepers, saying no just isn’t an option. The word just doesn’t compute in our brains.

And yet, it can be the most powerful word in so many situations.

I think because we link the word, “No” with negative connotations, we don’t see the positives it can create. Learning to say no takes a long time, and we don’t always succeed in saying it but if we can start to understand what self-love is, we might be able to start saying, “No.” Don’t stress when you’re in the process of learning to say No. It won’t happen overnight.

You’ll still say yes when you want to say no but the important thing is, you’ll start to notice what you’re doing and things will slowly change. You might take a few steps backwards before you start moving forwards again, but that’s OK. We’re human!

Self-love doesn’t mean we’re being self-centered, it means we’re recognising that we have the right to be happy and think of our own well-being.

When we start to see that, it opens up so many possibilities in life. Things you thought you’d never have the time to do. Or maybe thought you’d never do again.

Finding new interests and hobbies are all part of self-love.

For me, it is going for a walk. The pandemic opened up the opportunity of taking care of our mental health by encouraging us all to go for a walk for our well-being and exercise.

It was so much more than that. I could put my headphones on and play the music I wanted to listen to. However eclectic a mix it was and just switch off. It was 100% my time, just for me. No demands on me, no pressure, just me. It gave me the space I needed. And yes, I put my own needs first. Even just for a little while.

And by doing that, I was in a better place to handle whatever was coming next. Initially, it started as whatever was coming that day, which then turned into whatever was coming that week, month and year etc..

It allowed me to be in a better place in my own life. It is my complete and utter “go to” whenever I need to give myself the love and attention I deserve.

If the situation you’re in is not one you can easily move away from, then showing yourself some compassion and self-love might just make the smallest difference.

Whatever it is that brings you that happiness and peace, just give it a try. You may not even know what makes you happy at this point. So start off small, even just smiling, listening to a song that gives you strength to get through the day is better than not doing anything at all.

I love quotes, they give me insights into myself and others. These are great starting off points. Especially if you feel as though you’ve not done anything for you in a very long time and maybe, slowly, you can build from there!

“Find out who you are. And do it on purpose.” – Dolly Parton

Remember: You have as much right to LOVE and HAPPINESS as the next person. You’ve just forgotten that!

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