From Self-preservation to Self-love

For victims and survivors who are impacted by domestic abuse, it feels like they can’t see the wood for the trees!

Self-preservation is everything! But what if we opened our minds up to the idea of self-love?

Self-preservation

Life is stressful enough at the best of times. We’re told that we need to plan for the future but also live in the moment, to watch what we eat but then see adverts everywhere for fast-food, to learn to love ourselves, but also take care of others. So when we’re told we need to learn to say, “No” and to have boundaries – we’re almost waiting to see what the flip side will be! We’re told that saying, “No” has a huge and positive impact on our mental health, that it gives us the opportunity to value and love ourselves.

That all sounds absolutely great…

But can you imagine saying, “No” in a domestically abusive situation?

When we talk about domestic abuse, we don’t think of an individual saying, “No” to the abuser, we would imagine that the individual says, “Yes” to whatever it is the abuser wants or demands. For anyone who is or has been impacted by domestic abuse, whether directly or indirectly through family, friends and work colleagues, they will know that the individual feels that their only choice is to keep the peace, to not antagonise the situation, to not elevate or inflame the atmosphere around them. At this point in time, saying, “No” is not an option. If an individual does take a stand, the consequences can be unthinkable.

The definition of self-preservation is: “the action of keeping yourself safe or alive in a dangerous situation, often without thinking about what you are doing.” – Collins Dictionary

This is a very common attribute associated with domestic abuse. The victim will do whatever it takes to survive. It may be something as simple as saying yes when what you really mean is no but you say yes to keep the peace. We often hear victims of domestic abuse talk about, “walking on eggshells” when they are describing their experiences.

This is because, when you live in a domestically abusive environment, there is always tension bubbling under the surface. You may go weeks (or if you’re lucky), months before something triggers the abuser’s volatile reaction to something but it’s there…just waiting. Agreeing with everything the abuser says and does is vital to your survival.

So what other option is there?

You can seek help and support during or post abuse or you can offer help and support to someone we believe is being abused – but that may not always be possible.

You may not even realise that what you or someone you know is experiencing is domestic abuse.

So how do you navigate situations where you want to say, “No”? I’m not saying it’s easy by any means to start saying no. But if you can maybe think of what boundaries you want to set out for yourselves, that’s a huge step in the right direction.

Once you have some idea of where your boundaries lie, you can start to think of situations where your boundaries are regularly abused and manipulated.

And then start to think about what matters to you, your opinions, your choices etc.. saying no doesn’t have to be done in a hostile way. The abuser may try and manipulate you into doing whatever it is they want, but by the time you’ve started to think of your own boundaries, you’ve already started the process of saying no, you’ve started to think about you.

Self-love

We hear so much about self-love these days, from social media to chart topping songs . They paint a picture of how each of us could be if we could only learn “self-love.” I used to find the idea of self-love to be arrogant, obnoxious and selfish.

But it is definitely none of those things!

Self-love is when we learn to appreciate ourselves and our own worth so we can support our physical and psychological growth. When we say yes to everything and everyone around us, we end up running round in circles and eventually, we burn ourselves out. We more often than not, end up run down, exhausted and we can actually make ourselves physically ill.

Self-love means thinking about our own well-being and happiness, taking care of our own needs and not sacrificing ourselves to please everyone around us. The biggest thing for many of us to do, is to say one of the smallest words in the world, “No.” For the people pleasers and the peace keepers, saying no just isn’t an option. The word just doesn’t compute in our brains.

And yet, it can be the most powerful word in so many situations.

I think because we link the word, “No” with negative connotations, we don’t see the positives it can create. Learning to say no takes a long time, and we don’t always succeed in saying it but if we can start to understand what self-love is, we might be able to start saying, “No.” Don’t stress when you’re in the process of learning to say No. It won’t happen overnight.

You’ll still say yes when you want to say no but the important thing is, you’ll start to notice what you’re doing and things will slowly change. You might take a few steps backwards before you start moving forwards again, but that’s OK. We’re human!

Self-love doesn’t mean we’re being self-centered, it means we’re recognising that we have the right to be happy and think of our own well-being.

When we start to see that, it opens up so many possibilities in life. Things you thought you’d never have the time to do. Or maybe thought you’d never do again.

Finding new interests and hobbies are all part of self-love.

For me, it is going for a walk. The pandemic opened up the opportunity of taking care of our mental health by encouraging us all to go for a walk for our well-being and exercise.

It was so much more than that. I could put my headphones on and play the music I wanted to listen to. However eclectic a mix it was and just switch off. It was 100% my time, just for me. No demands on me, no pressure, just me. It gave me the space I needed. And yes, I put my own needs first. Even just for a little while.

And by doing that, I was in a better place to handle whatever was coming next. Initially, it started as whatever was coming that day, which then turned into whatever was coming that week, month and year etc..

It allowed me to be in a better place in my own life. It is my complete and utter “go to” whenever I need to give myself the love and attention I deserve.

If the situation you’re in is not one you can easily move away from, then showing yourself some compassion and self-love might just make the smallest difference.

Whatever it is that brings you that happiness and peace, just give it a try. You may not even know what makes you happy at this point. So start off small, even just smiling, listening to a song that gives you strength to get through the day is better than not doing anything at all.

I love quotes, they give me insights into myself and others. These are great starting off points. Especially if you feel as though you’ve not done anything for you in a very long time and maybe, slowly, you can build from there!

“Find out who you are. And do it on purpose.” – Dolly Parton

Remember: You have as much right to LOVE and HAPPINESS as the next person. You’ve just forgotten that!

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