Is it abuse if my partner doesn’t hit me?

This is a common myth, that if it’s not physical abuse, it’s not abuse or it’s not ‘bad enough’ to justify you getting the help you feel you need.

In actual fact, most survivors of abusive relationships, say the psychological abuse is worse than physical abuse. This is because abusive words attack your very soul. They make you question who you are as an individual, question your core beliefs and your thoughts and actions and make you back down from having any type of opinion.

The other forms of abusive behaviour , aside from physical abuse, are what we call ‘coercive control’, where you are forced, persuaded or coerced into doing things you don’t want to do or are left vulnerable because of bullying, intimidation and threats.

‘’because he didn’t beat me, I found it very difficult to leave him, I didn’t actually have any specific reason to leave – just lots of little niggles that made it hard to stay.

I was not happy and hadn’t been happy for MANY years, but there was just never a good time to leave.’’

 

Coercive Control

This can include:

  • Threats, harassment and intimidation
  • Using the children as a form of control
  • Post-separation abuse including financial abuse and use of the legal system to continue that control
  • Monitoring your behaviour and movements
  • Using the children as a means to control
  • Emotional abuse including constant criticism, belittling and put-downs
  • Isolation – limiting your support network and opportunities for independence
  • Setting the rules that you must abide by
  • Shifting the blame, denying the abuse and minimising your concerns

Separation and Coercive Control

I worked for many years as an IDVA (domestic abuse advocate) for my local domestic abuse charity, supporting women and men in high-risk abusive relationships. I re-trained as a Divorce Coach because I wanted to support the women and men who aren’t deemed to be high enough risk to access traditional, generic domestic abuse services. If you don’t tick enough boxes on a risk assessment, it often means you can’t access ongoing support from statutory and voluntary services, but this doesn’t mean your situation is ok. In fact, it is often the people who don’t access these services who ultimately end up being most at risk. Why? Because without specialist support, they try to manage their situation alone, often not understanding how to keep themselves safe.

If you struggle to recognise abuse in your relationship then how can you understand how to keep healthy boundaries? How can you have the confidence to challenge a controlling ex, safely? How do you know what your Rights are as a parent who is being bullied into agreements that they don’t feel comfortable with?

My Story

I was in an abusive relationship for many years and like many women in abusive relationships, I actually didn’t recognise it as abusive. I knew I was unhappy, I thought my husband was selfish, arrogant, needy and that it wasn’t a happy marriage, but there was no physical abuse for the vast majority of the marriage (that came later once I told him I wanted to separate). I knew he wasn’t a likeable person – there was a bit of shoving, some arguments, some bullying, but did that constitute abuse? I knew from early on in the relationship that it just didn’t feel right, yet it took me 10 years and 3 attempts to leave.

‘’ I used to look out the window thinking, it’s ok – because I know we won’t be together always. I’m not sure when that will happen, but I just know it will.’’

Abusers wear you down by making you feel guilty until you give in, spend hours persuading you why you need to stay, make you feel like they always know better and are  jealous of anyone you came into contact with or anything you achieve. This is very typical of coercive control. It is ‘brainwashing’ and it is so powerful that they don’t even need to be physical to have complete control over you.

What can I do about it?

Stop putting your energy into trying to fix them, trying to keep the family unit together or becoming a better partner – you are not the problem! Instead of prioritising their needs all the time, think about yours.

Put your energy into getting clarity on your options, seeking professional help and advice on next steps and getting support to help you.  You can do this by reaching out to your local domestic abuse organisation, contacting police, reading websites such as this one or others where there is information about domestic abuse like Women’s Aid or reaching out to a specialist Divorce Coach, like me.

You don’t need to put up with abuse, it really is as simple as that.

Caron Kipping: https://www.caronkippingcoaching.com