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Divorce is one of the most stressful and traumatic events that anyone can experience. If you add domestic abuse into the mix then divorce can feel totally overwhelming, almost
impossible. Many people believe that abuse will end when separation happens, but it very often continues/escalates in the form of post-separation abuse.
Divorcing an abusive partner is certainly challenging, but I am here to tell you that it is possible. I’ve done it myself and now guide many of my Clients through the process and I
would like to share 3 things that will help you if you are starting out on this journey.
Get Support
Establish a ‘Breakup Support Team’- a positive and supportive group of people who will help you deal with your emotions, stay focused and get clarity, so that you are able to make the
best decisions. Reach out to people even if your ex has kept you isolated from them during your relationship. Having the right people guiding you will help you concentrate on healing,
thinking about your future and creating a path to a better, more contented life. You may not need all of them all of the time, but identifying them can help reduce overwhelm and stress.
It should ideally comprise of professionals, trusted friends/family and might look like this:
● Family Lawyer- one with experience of domestic abuse is ideal, so worth checking.
● Financial Adviser- finances can be complex so getting advice is a good idea.
● Divorce Coach or counsellor- to help you deal with your emotions and support you
through divorce and help you curate a compelling, exciting future.
● Family and Friends- choose a couple who are your ‘ride or die’, that you trust
● Exercise buddy- Movement is so important to help deal with stress and emotions, so
a person who you can walk with, go to the gym with, play tennis with is vital.
● Hairdresser/nail tech/PT/massage therapist- people who will help you feel good
about yourself
● Help around home e.g. babysitter/gardener/odd jobs- to help with jobs your ex might
have done, so you do not have to rely on your ex for things.
● Local Domestic Abuse Charity- for support and advice if necessary.
Dealing with your Emotions
People experience a roller coaster of emotions while navigating divorce and this is exacerbated when divorcing an abusive partner because you may feel fear, guilt, confusion
on top of everything else. It is important to identify the emotions you are feeling, to ‘sit’ with them as they arise because this helps you to process them and so heal, but then practice
dialing them down in your mind, even by one notch as this can really help. Learning strategies to then shift your focus to something more positive is crucial so you are not overwhelmed by negative emotions all of the time.
Gratitude is the antidote to negative emotions because it calms the mind and de-intensifies the negative feelings you may be experiencing. It is a powerful technique to help you move
forward. Create a list of all the things, large or small, that you are grateful for and make you happy, ensuring you can access it easily to refer to when you feel low or stressed. Some
people find it comforting to practise gratitude each morning/evening by writing 3 things they are grateful for and as this becomes a daily habit, they really see a shift in how they feel.
Communication With Your Ex
There will need to be communication between both parties during a divorce, even via Solicitors. If you share children then communication will generally need to continue until they
reach adulthood. Communicating with an abusive ex is something that causes a huge amount of anxiety and stress, often because survivors are still so terrified about their partner’s reaction to things.
Here are a few important strategies that are worth remembering:
● Avoid sharing any personal information with your ex.
● Keep necessary contact with your ex to emails so you have a record.
● Keep communication to an absolute minimum, that could be ‘no contact’ if practical.
● Keep emotions out of all communications- stay neutral and factual.
● Keep diary of incidents of abuse/unacceptable behaviour. Include dates/times/what
happened and keep it factual
● Talk to your Solicitor about when/how they share communication with you from your
ex/their Solicitor. This way you are not bombarded or blindsided.
Leaving an abusive relationship is a massive step that takes courage and although the journey to divorce will not be straight forward, please remember that you will come out the
other side, even if you can’t see how right now. You will feel calmer, happier and more hopeful about the future.
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Written by Vanessa White, Breakup and Divorce Coach (Master Accreditation)
Vanessa White is an Accredited Breakup and Divorce Coach who emotionally and practically supports Clients before, during and after their breakup or divorce, however complex. She
combines her unique personal experiences with her certification training to give tools and strategies to help Clients recover and create a positive, fulfilling future.
If this blog resonates with you, please check out You Don’t Own Me’s Resources Page for useful links.