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It’s time to set the record straight. I have heard so many misconceptions from potential clients and clients. Misconceptions that sadly, do little more than keep people stuck in a cycle that they cannot find their way out of. Not for themselves or for their children.
So now, even though what I’m about to say might not be the most popular, and likely difficult to hear, it’s time to clear the misconceptions that are causing more harm than good.
I recognize that these ‘non-truths’ that people cling to come from a good place. They come from family, friends, and even other professionals reiterating this message over years. They come from a place of Hope. The reality however, is that even though this advice may be perfectly valid when navigating a separation and divorce where the other parent is psychologically and emotionally healthy, this advice is anything but valid when dealing with a maladaptive co-parent.
And unfortunately, there are not many individuals either within your own personal networks nor many professionals within the legal or therapeutic communities who recognize the nuances and challenges that divorcing a maladaptive individual brings.
Lie #1 – The justice system will help me and my children.
Nope. It won’t.
At least not in the way you think it will.
The justice system and family law operate in a very black and white way. Anyone working within that system operate within very strict confines of their profession. Thinking “outside the box” and coming up with creative strategies when dealing with a personality type that they are not familiar with, is not part of the job description. I recognize that there are some lawyers out there who are familiar with navigating a dynamic involving a maladaptive personality type. IF you happen to find one, you’re way ahead of the game. However, they are challenging to find and tend to have 8-12 month waitlists.
It’s also important to recognize that the family law system, (at least here in Canada), operates from a Parental Rights perspective. NOT a Child Rights or Child Protection perspective. The Burden of Proof is incredibly high, and falls on the shoulders of the protective parent to prove that the time spent with the maladaptive parent is actually causing harm to the children and hence the default 50/50 custody approach should be revisited.
I have yet to hear of one protective parent that won this battle in less than 8-10 years fighting in the courts.
Yet, I consistently hear clients that continue to hold on to false hope that the next lawyer will hear them and the next parenting coordinator will make decisions which will benefit the kids. Ok so maybe not the next one…but maybe number three, four or seven. Sadly, the outcome remains the same.
In addition to the challenges of the courts and family law, I have heard from and consulted with multiple lawyers over the years. The common goal? Is to get you in and out of the legal system as fast as possible. Not in the best way possible that ensures a long-term positive outcome for you or your children.
Lie #2 – It will get better over time.
Nope. It won’t.
Maladaptive personality types, especially anyone one whose behaviors fall on the spectrum of DSM-V Cluster B Personality Disorders (Narcissistic, Borderline, Antisocial, Histrionic) do not get better over time. In fact, research shows that they tend to get worse.
The more you try and reason with them or offer a different perspective on an issue, the further entrenched they become in their own opinion. After all, their way is always the only way.
Asking them to look at things from the perspective of what is in the best interests of the children is also futile. They do not have the capacity to see a situation from any other perspective other than their own, and cannot entertain the idea that someone else might have a better idea or solution to an issue than them.
Hence, as someone with a maladaptive personality gets older, the more they become committed to their own righteousness and the stronger their false belief in the complete and utter incompetency of those around them.
The Hard Truth – My child is damaged and there is nothing I can do about it.
Yes and No.
This one is the hard truth. But only partially.
Yes, your child is being harmed. And there is nothing you can do about what happens when they are with the maladaptive parent. However, there IS something you can do!
Your child is experiencing TRAUMA. There is no way around that. They have a maladaptive parent that is causing them harm and will continue to do so. They likely parent in a authoritarian way, holding the child to extreme expectations, with little to no regard for their feelings or emotions. They provide no safe place for the children to express themselves or even just be themselves.
When these children come back to you, the protective parent, they are likely either shut down, behaviorally explosive or alternate between the two. As hard as this is to see, this is where you have an amazing window of opportunity to support your children.
This is the moment where you can provide support, empathy, and space for them to process their experiences and release their feelings so that their experiences do not become embedded into their body as trauma.
As Dr. Peter Levine says, “Trauma is not just what happened to us, but it’s what we hold inside in the absence of the empathetic, present, connected other”.
It’s our job – our MOST important job – is to be that empathetic, present, connected other.
You have the power to protect your children. Through your relationship with them. Through how you show up for them. Through who you are to them.
I assure you, it is possible to raise children who are joyful, resilient, and thrive, despite the harm they endure. But the legal system and time have little to do with it.
At the end of the day it’s not about anything or anyone else helping you.
It all depends on YOU.
If this blog resonates with you, please check out You Don’t Own Me’s Resources Page for useful links.