What lies BENEATH the surface

It’s a scary thought. What lies beneath the surface of any of us?

The photo above was from Christmas Day 2016. I’m pulling a silly face to try and be funny. I’d had two hours sleep but didn’t want my children, my family or my friends to know how exhausted I was or just how broken I was at this point in my life. It was THE worst year of my life and I couldn’t wait to see the back of it.

We can all fake a smile and try being funny at times to pretend to ourselves and the world that everything is ok.

But if we look closer, what lies beneath the surface of any of us?

As I’m writing this blog, I’m sitting here thinking about the photo and a crack in the plaster in the hallway.

Why am I telling you this?

Well, it got me thinking about what lies beneath the surface. It may just be the house’s age, it may be the new plaster is settling down and cracks do appear.

Or could it be something deeper and more worrying.

The victims and survivors of abuse that I have worked with, sometimes would put a brave face on things and tell everyone they’re fine.

They don’t always notice or want to notice the cracks appearing and starting to spread.

They just want to go about their daily routine and try not to think about the niggling thoughts that are lurking somewhere in the back of our minds. It’s clear that something isn’t right. Gut instinct is rarely wrong but you don’t want to delve deeper for fear of what you might find!

When we’re growing up, we’re told relationships are complicated and so it may not come as a big surprise when cracks start to form in our own personal relationships.

Maybe you’ve been together a long time, maybe all your adult life. Or you’ve come out of a negative relationship and are starting to have doubts about a new relationship.

You could be dependent on your partner due to health reasons, or financial reasons.

You think you’re family will disown you if you take any steps to end the relationship.

Or maybe your family has already disowned you. It could be that your family is the problem.

Complicated or what?

And the thought of leaving? It’s so easy for others to tell victims that they should just leave. But there are so many reasons victim’s give themselves to stay.

Fear of what the abuser might do to them or themselves. Fear of how it will affect your family. Fear of change. The abuse has become so “normalised” and the victim doesn’t know if they can make it on their own.

They’ve “invested” in the relationship.

But at what cost?

The victim does not want to think about the repercussions and so they bury those thoughts and feelings but like the crack in the plaster, it’s not going to go away.

Unless you’re ready to face up to what is happening, then I’m sorry to say, things will start to crumble. Because, at the end of the day, an abuser’s only aim in life is to think about themselves.

And yes, sometimes you do have to hit rock bottom before you can start to rise again and realise that life is so precious!

I hope the day comes for anyone who has lived experience of domestic abuse when they ask themselves this question,

“why on earth am I wasting precious time on someone who never invested in me?”

If you think about it this way, if you keep putting money in the bank and the bank gives you nothing in return would you just sit back and do nothing?

Self-worth and self-love which I talk about in my blog From Self-Preservation to Self-Love is one of the biggest stumbling blocks a victim has to overcome if they are to move forward in their life.

And it comes down to this.

Deep down, you don’t believe you are worth investing in.

But you are and it takes courage to look beneath your own surface and realise,

“An investment in yourself pays the best interest.” – Benjamin Franklin.

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