Domestic Abuse – You Don’t Own Me

My website started off with a completely different name until someone I admired told me that they didn’t think it worked.

What I love about being able to say this now is because, several years ago I would have been completely crushed and taken it as a criticism. But here’s the thing, I didn’t! I took what had been said and thought, “OK.”

The reason I’m saying this is because I had spent the majority of my life feeling worthless. I hadn’t had a hugely successful career although I’d graduated from university and I’d always worked. I had never had a big fat salary to rely and fall back on.

One of the many things I noticed with the domestic abuse victims I have worked with is their feeling of worthlessness. It strips away the person they once were. Maybe you were a fun loving kid or teenager and slowly over time, you change. Not because you want to but because you don’t even see it happening. When people talk about something being a marathon and not a sprint, that’s what it’s like for those have encountered abuse, it happens, very slowly, and steadily.

Even if you somehow manage to leave the domestically abuse situation, you can’t go back to the person you were before it all started. It’s part of you now.  Part of who you are, just like anything else that has happened to you in your life. You can’t erase it or pretend it didn’t happen – that doesn’t solve anything and will only make matters worse.

So what can you do?

The answer is, you can own it.

Until you own what has happened to you, the abuser is still in charge and you will feel as though they still own you. Even your very thoughts and feelings.

You will try and own it several times (in fact it will most likely be a lot more than that) before you start to believe it. But you are the only one who can choose how you wish to live your life.

You’re in charge, not the abuser. YOU.

The abuser does not own you.

No matter who they are, whether they are your family, your partner or a close friend. NOBODY has the right to OWN anyone, or to make anyone feel ashamed of who they are. They don’t have the right to decide what you wear, how you have your hair, what you eat, who you spend your time with etc.

Once you allow yourself to see even a glimpse of how you want your life to be, it can genuinely start to change. Small steps and one at a time. It’s there and you can feel it. It’s exciting and frightening all at the same time.

The, “what if’s?” start to go round and round in your head, “What if I fail?” “What if I stay?” But keep going, persevere, it will all be worth it in the end.

And the beauty is that you can do this at any age and any stage of your life. You can start right now.

Anyone who knows me knows I love a good quote. In fact, they have kept me going through some very dark times. And I think the most relevant one that springs to mind right now is,

“If you’re going through hell, keep going”  – Winston Churchill.

You wouldn’t want to walk back through hell if you were already in it, would you?

Our human nature would be to keep going.

So keep going!

That’s why You Don’t Own Me is the perfect name. Because it’s true. Nobody owns you!

Check out my Resources Page for useful links. I’ve put together some helpful tips that have been a lifesaver for me over the years.

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