All posts by : Lucy Lu

Our lives are linked to the language we use. And it can have a profound effect on how we view our lives and ultimately, how we live it.

My classic negative self talk was always, “I’m just worried that or I’m never going to……”

But after years of searching for answers and with help and support I now choose to say, I’ll make the best of A, B and C. And If X Y and Z doesn’t happen, there will be a reason for it.

When I was little, I made Rose petal perfume – like so many others did. And basically, it ended up as soggy petals in stale water! But I now choose to say, I can still remember the scent of those petals as fresh and as fragrant as the moment I picked them.

A lot of us talk to ourselves, in our own heads as we go about our daily business. My grandma used to say it’s the most intelligent conversation you’ll ever have! 🤣

So if we talk to ourselves with confidence and kindness, it can translate into the energy and passion those around us see in us. But it’s not just about the language we use about ourselves, it’s also about the language we use about others too. We make interpretations and judgement on lives we know nothing about.

Post-separation for so many means living with negative thoughts and self doubt about their own capabilities – along with all the other emotions that swirl around constantly.

I am often asked why someone is abusive and why they continue to abuse post-separation.

It ultimately comes down to choice, power and control.

And as a society we have a choice and the power and control to think about the language we use when we may suspect somebody may have experienced abuse. Or is still experiencing it.

The second we make the conscious decision to try to understand, and speak in the way of compassion, we are already making a bigger difference than we could possibly ever realise or imagine. I think we all need to look at how we approach the language we use.

We can choose how we speak about others AND we can choose how we speak to ourselves.

If the blog resonates with you and you need support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes

I knew somebody who at the time, I didn’t know was going through so much pain and so much worry.

They hid it from everyone, including their own family. This person was experiencing post-separation abuse.

They’d already experienced domestic abuse during the marriage.

They told me they were sitting in the car one day driving along the road when the thought came into their head.

“What if I wasn’t here, it would make everything so much simpler, it would make things easier for everybody.”

They weren’t sure how much more they could take.

Post-separation abuse has no limits.

There are no depths that a perpetrator won’t sink to and those individuals experiencing post-separation abuse can believe that maybe everyone would be better off if they weren’t here causing all these issues and problems.

BUT those are the individuals we need in the world.

Those are the individuals that when they stand up and say, “no more” it can have the most profound effect.

Those are the individuals that will have the days where they feel like giving up.

But then they take a deep breath. And they go on.

They inspire others.

They go on living they go on fighting they go on doing whatever it takes to be free of post-separation abuse.

The more we say it’s okay to talk about abuse, the more empowerment we give to those that need it.

If the blog resonates with you and you need support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes

We think we have so much of it.

We never really know, though.

When someone experiences post-separation abuse, time is something they reflect on. A lot!

🕚 Time spent with the perpetrator, sometimes over decades.

🕚 Time to process all of the abuse they have experienced.

🕚 Time to figure out where they go from here.

🕚 Time to figure out what support might work for them.

🕚 And a time to realise when they need to try varying support.

Because support and help comes in all shapes and sizes.

There’s no one size fits all.

And that’s OK.

Ultimately, the time comes when the individual will look back and see how far they have come.

There may still be a long road ahead.

But the course of a person’s life can change for the better.

And it’s a far happier time in life that they are heading towards than the one they left behind.

I heard something that really struck a chord with me yesterday and it was that a person doesn’t F.A.I.L it’s just their First Attempt In Learning.

We learn from every experience we encounter in life.

So many people impacted by post-separation abuse feel like failures – and I have to say, society doesn’t help dispel that!

They are not failures, they have not wasted their time. 🕚

They have discovered who they are.

They have learned what they are and aren’t willing to accept in their life.

And that to me is an inspiring person and someone I’d be proud to know ✨️

How do you view your time❓️

If the blog resonates with you and you need support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes

……know this building, maybe more than you ever thought you’d have to.

And there are many more like it all over the world.

What am I talking about?

Family Court.

A building where so much goes on.

And on so, so many levels.

For anyone who is experiencing or has experienced post-separation abuse, they will more than likely have seen the inside of family court far more times than they would ever have envisaged.

If it’s even possible to envisage.

The thing that always strikes me about this building and so many like it, is not the building itself, but those individuals within those court rooms, who are still having to deal with their perpetrator and there seems to be no end in sight.

And to top it all off, they are also battling with a system that should be there to protect them.

Being accused of, “tit for tat.” And forced into rooms with their perpetrator.

While all this goes on behind closed doors, victims and survivors watch from windows up high in discussion rooms, looking down on a world where people are going about their daily business, not knowing the hell that these individuals are going through.

And decisions being made about lives by those who couldn’t even comprehend what those lives have experienced.

I did a two part episode of my podcast with Richard Port MBE last year and we talked about the family court. We covered so much ground and yet could have done many more episodes!

I felt compelled after walking passed this building today to say….

For anyone currently going through the family court system….

You are seen.

And you are not alone.

If the blog resonates with you and you need support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes

The title being from a film I have loved for many years starring, Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges.

Back in the days before streaming, where you went to the cinema for the experience of seeing a film on the big screen.

And films were produced by the likes of Sony Pictures where you really felt like you were getting that cinematic experience.

I have grown and changed so much since this film was released.

And I think it’s only as you get older do these sorts of films really resonate with you on a whole new level.

That level where you see the pain and hurt in the character on screen and you can relate in the most heart-wrenching and heartbreaking way.

The connection is real.

As anyone who knows me will attest….I see things through a domestic abuse lens. In particular, a post-separation abuse lens.

And so the title of the film got me thinking…..

Victims and survivors of post-separation abuse often give one face to the world, the face that says, “I’m fine” so as not to draw attention to themselves.

The other face, is the one that lives in fear and dread every day, that this is it.

That they will never be free and every day is going to be a battle for some semblance of freedom.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

There is help and support.

Many people who have experienced post- separation abuse now live lives where they can look in the mirror and be proud of what they see.

No longer seeing the two faces they have had to give to the world.

Just one, unique and awesome face that has conquered fears, faced demons and rose to every challenge that was placed in front of them.

That is a face to behold. ❤️

If the blog resonates with you and you need support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes

There’s a saying that people will come and go in your life but you know what will always be there for you?……

Laundry!

This thought came to mind when I was deciding on whether to start a darks load of washing this morning or a lights load.

We have a basket that is split into dark and light and although it’s looking a bit worn now, it has served us well.

Specialising in post-separation abuse, means I see so many analogies in every day life that can be linked to it.

The dark and the light are prime examples of what an individual experiencing post-separation abuse has to contend with on a daily basis.

The moments when the stresses, worries and fears that come with post-separation abuse seem to be all encompassing.

To the moments when genuine happiness and peace fill their soul.

It can feel like a never ending cycle of emotions all the while trying to live their life with the perpetrator holding on and not letting go.

I discovered something invaluable when I worked for my local domestic abuse charity TDAS

The Circle of Control model

It can be a huge support, helping people manage their feelings of overwhelm and anxiety by focusing on the things they can change as opposed to the things they can’t.

What is within our control and what isn’t.

Long before I had even heard of the Circle of Control, I had a similar concept I tried to live by although being human, I would fail miserably at times.

And it was this.

Growing up Roman Catholic I remember my Mum giving me a prayer card before one particular set of exams (I think it was my entrance exam to secondary school) and the card had the serenity prayer on it.

Part of the prayer is,

“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.”

It’s something I still come back to time and time again. Although I’ll be honest, some days are harder than others to follow this message.

When an individual experiences post-separation abuse, the things that aren’t within their control can build and build – especially if the perpetrator is constantly finding new ways to cause fear and panic.

Through financial abuse, family court proceedings, stalking and harassment and so much more.

And this can continue for many years, until the individual feels so desperate and alone.

The blame and the shame they feel also builds over time. This is where societal judgement and lack of knowledge can be so damaging for victims and survivors.

They feel that they are not worthy of support or help and therefore, don’t seek it.

Add to that, the fear they will not be believed so how do you ask for help?

But if we as a society put the blame and shame where it truly belongs with the perpetrator and the systems that have failed victims and survivors, then those impacted may stand a chance of finding the support and help they deserve.

Many victims and survivors experiencing post-separation abuse will have contact with the perpetrator, for example if there are children involved.

But with help and support, they can navigate these situations, what is within their control and how they respond to the perpetrator.

Taking back control of their life.

Separating out the moments of joy and happiness from the dark times.

If the blog resonates with you and you need support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes

I grew up with what can only be described as eclectic taste in music.

Having a lot of siblings means you pick up on their tastes, along with your parents tastes in music. And all the while, developing your own sense of identity through the music you listen to over the course of your life.

And I went through a particularly strong phase of liking Jazz music in my late teens. I’d already grown up on Nat King Cole and Perry Como, courtesy of my Mum and Grandma. But now I was also discovering the likes of Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughan and Billie Holiday.

Strong empowering women who fought against all the odds to get to where they wanted to be.

That was it – I was hooked. Each had their own style and quality that set them apart. To me, they were formidable women.

They sang songs about love and loss, each with their own interpretation through their unique voices and styles.

Being a Domestic Abuse Consultant means you see life through a certain lens. Everything takes on specific meanings and correlations with abuse.

So when I now think of the song, “Someone to Watch Over Me” it takes on a whole different meaning.

In one verse, the lyrics are,

“I’m a little lamb who’s lost in a wood

I know I could always be good

To one who’ll watch over me.”

When I look at this from the perspective of my work, it shouts out to me the parallels with domestic abuse, in particular coercive control.

Victims and survivors who have experienced coercive control will tell you that they had to become so submissive in order to survive day to day life.

So what is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.

And, like so many other forms of abuse, it doesn’t happen over night. The perpetrator takes their time in carving out a life where the individual experiencing coercive control becomes so dependent and reliant on the perpetrator that the rest of the world is effectively shut out.

The manipulation, isolation and fear slowly erodes the individuals sense of self.

It’s no longer about who they are. It has become about who the perpetrator wants them to be – a little lamb who’s lost in a wood.

And the only person that can save them is……you guessed it. The person who has crafted and designed a world where only they exist.

This can continue for many, many years. In fact, the longer it continues, the more “normal” it begins to feel.

“Everybody’s relationship is like this.” The narrative spun like a web by the perpetrator until the victim believes it.

And thinking for one second that there is any way out. Forget it. You have “Someone to watch over you.”

And they do. Like a hawk!

So, knowing all of the above is it really as simple as people wish to believe about leaving an abusive relationship?

When we hear people say, “why don’t you just leave?” or “why do you stay with them?”

All this does is place the blame and shame at the feet of the person who has done nothing wrong.

It’s dangerous and damaging language.

I wrote a blog entitled, We can always Do Better and as a society, that’s precisely what we need to do – better.

When we show compassion, it can encourage people to come forward and speak out. Seek the support they so richly deserve.

Giving them the chance to move forward and be free from the coercive and controlling behaviour.

Only then, can someone truly feel that there is hope.

Hope for a new chapter in life, where they can turn the page and start to move forward.

“When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.” – Tuli Kupferberg

If the blog resonates with you and you need support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes

Recovery is a word we hear quite often.

Especially when we think of an individual who has had an operation, been in hospital etc..

We also hear the word when we read about celebrities and those in the spotlight who have struggled with addiction. That they are now in “recovery.”

It’s a word that has powerful meaning.

Domestic abuse and the language we use when we talk about it is something I’m particularly keen to see evolve and change.

So much language around abuse has a bias that people often don’t realise is there.

But victims and survivors do.

They feel the judgement, it’s palpable.

For a victim or survivor of domestic abuse, it’s a very lonely place to be when they feel and sense that the world is judging them.

But here’s the thing I can never understand. How can you judge a situation you know nothing about? Judging someone who has or is experiencing domestic abuse and all it encompasses implies you know more than than anyone else.

And how can we judge another human being, when we ourselves could be experiencing domestic abuse and don’t even realise it.

The word recovery is often used when talking about victims and survivors of domestic abuse.

And I just want to say this.

If someone who has experienced abuse is comfortable with the word recovery being used when describing their situation, then that is their right and choice to feel this best describes where they are at.

But using “recovery” as a blanket term when talking about victims and survivors can be problematic and in the end, damaging.

Recovery, as I said earlier refers to someone who has been ill or has experienced some form of addiction.

A victim or survivor of domestic abuse hasn’t had a cold. They are not recovering from an illness.

Domestic abuse is something that will stay with the person for the rest of their lives. They don’t “get over it” or “move on. ”

But what an individual can do is “move forward.”

Minute by minute, hour by hour. Day by day.

Some days will be more progressive than others.

And that’s OK!

Learning to live with what has happened to them and say, “but this doesn’t define me” is one of the most empowering things a victim or survivor can do.

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou

If the blog resonates with you and you need support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes

“Do Better.”

It’s a phrase we hear from time to time.

But what does it really mean to; “do better.”

Many of us think we are doing the best we can in all sorts of situations and circumstances. Life throws us challenges, sometimes, more often than we care to admit.

But I’m asking this……

Are we, as a society doing the best we can to support others?

Too often, people don’t see domestic abuse as something they need to be concerned about.

“It doesn’t affect me.”

Domestic abuse affects ALL of us. Whether we like it or not.

You can be impacted directly or indirectly and at some point in your life you will know someone, a family member, friend, neighbour, work colleague or maybe you yourself have been impacted by domestic abuse and don’t realise it.

The idea that domestic abuse only “happens” to certain individuals is one of the many narratives that we need to change!

Anyone can be a victim or survivor of domestic abuse.

The ripple effect domestic abuse creates can develop and spread.

The effects stem from the first time someone is abusive – emotionally, financially, physically, psychologically or sexually and it continues to spread.

This can then lead to becoming so reliant on the abuser, that everything, your entire existence is about what the abuser wants.

Where you live, what family or friends you see, what money you spend, what you eat, what you wear, the list goes on and on.

Domestic abuse is subtle, especially in the beginning, it doesn’t happen over night.

It grows gradually.

Over time, the effects become so widespread, every area of life is impacted by the abuse.

Relationships with family and friends start to change as the abuser’s clutches take a tighter grip and hold on the individual’s life.

They start getting deeper and deeper into troubled waters until they are completely and utterly lost.

Maybe they can’t explain why they are so lost, but they are. Trying to explain to people why they are in the situation they are in, without really understanding it themselves.

Then imagine, the very people they are trying to explain all this to are asking questions and making statements like, “Well, why didn’t you leave sooner?” “I could see them coming a mile off!”

If you are fortunate enough to have someone open up about their experience of domestic abuse, it’s never acceptable to question why they were in that situation.

It takes immense amounts of courage to speak about something so personal and so confusing, that to second guess why someone was in that situation shows nothing but ego.

When we judge others, what are we actually judging them by?

Our own experiences and opinions. That doesn’t make sense.

Putting ego aside and saying, I’m in no position to judge another human being would be a start to changing the way we treat and perceive victims and survivors of domestic abuse.

Now is the time to turn the attention onto our ourselves and say, “I can do better.”

If the blog resonates with you and you need support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes

Is one of the most important things you can do for yourself.

I have tried to spend most of my life treating people as I would want to be treated.

But I came to the realisation in recent years that you can’t please everybody. And there’s no shame in that.

We are all unique and not everyone is going to like you, understand you or your situation.

And that’s OK.

I wrote a blog last year entitled, “Rumour has it…….let them Talk”

Because so often, society judges victims and survivors of domestic abuse.

Unconscious bias, assumptions, speculations all come into play.

All of this has a huge impact on those who have experienced domestic abuse.

They feel the need to justify themselves or explain their situations.

They don’t.

For those who have experienced domestic abuse they have a million thoughts to process, a multitude of plates to spin, while trying to live each day of their life.

When people feel it’s acceptable to talk about a victim or survivor and pass judgement on a situation, they couldn’t possibly fathom, I’m astounded.

Not only is that person having to process the fact that they have experienced domestic abuse but if they have children, they are trying to support their children too.

So then for a victim to feel the need to defend themselves and their lives to people who have no comprehension of what they have lived through, is utterly devastating.

Add to that the perpetrator more often than not, will openly lie about the victim/survivor, coerce and manipulate others into believing them.

Spinning the narrative in favour of themselves, then what choices does the individual impacted have?

As is so often the case, there is no easy answer.

But one positive choice and step in the right direction is when you stop explaining yourselves and your situations to others, you are slowly and gradually, taking back your peace.

If the blog resonates with you and you need support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes