All posts by : Lucy Lu

Romantic relationships can be complicated enough at the best of times.

There are so many components that make up these relationships and they gradually become intertwined with every aspect of our lives.

When the relationship and connection seems to deepen, we start exploring the qualities reserved for those precious individuals in our lives where trust, respect and honesty reside.  And we think about whether or not this relationship has all these qualities.

Many relationships do master what appears to be a fine balance in order to achieve living in a happy relationship. But even then, those relationships are not immune from breaking down. People can grow apart and want different things out of life.

But what if you have experienced domestic abuse in a relationship? What then?

And what if you are experiencing post-separation abuse?

Probably one of the most important questions is…..can you ever trust again?

Each person who has experienced abuse has the right to choose if they ever want to consider being in a relationship again.

And there is no set time limit on exploring the idea of a new relationship.

There should be no pressure and each person should take their time to decide what’s right for them. If there are children involved, this is a huge consideration when entering into any new relationship.

But I think it is an even more important decision to take time to consider for anyone who has experienced abuse.

You not only need to be able to consider yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and so on, but you need to be able to think about your children as well.

You also have so much to process, especially if you and your children are experiencing post-separation abuse.

At it’s core, post-separation abuse is about the abuser doing their utmost to hang on to control and power. The abuser needs to remain in control. They refuse to let go.

So when an individual who has been controlled, manages to leave, the abuser can’t and won’t accept it.

I have often said that post-separation abuse and trying to move forward with your life is like running a marathon and not a sprint.

And what do you do when there never appears to be a finish line because it’s constantly moving further and further away from you?

There isn’t a simple answer. But seeking help and support can help you and your family to manage more effectively the situations that arise from post-separation abuse.

You may feel as though it would all be too complicated for a new relationship and for that person to understand and accept that this is all really happening.

You may fear that the person may decide it’s all too much for them and end the relationship.

It can become very stressful and you may feel as though you are trying to please everybody all while keeping your head above water.

There is no set formula to entering into a relationship after you have experienced domestic abuse.

But what I would say is….there is no rush.

You have every right to work on your own self-worth, your self-esteem and think about what it is you really want.

If you do feel comfortable to try and see how a new relationship might progress, then anyone who is worthy of you will be patient and will support you even when they don’t truly understand the situation themselves.

If you have doubts about any new relationship, you can find more information here about Clare’s Law

A new relationship isn’t what everybody wants or sees in their future. And it doesn’t have to be.

But staying hopeful and open to the possibility that there are good people out there, makes the world for me, a happier place to live in.

Whatever, you choose to do with your life if you have experienced domestic abuse, I would just say this.

Your past does not define or decide your future.

You now have the opportunity to rewrite your story. You get to decide how it plays out.

And honestly? It can lead to paths you never knew existed for you. Opening doors to opportunities you thought were only reserved for an elite few.

And you can have a life and if you want it – a relationship far greater than the one you could ever have tried to envisage for yourself before.

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, you can visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

I posted a powerful message on LinkedIn on Mothering Sunday. And I think it deserved to sit within the rest of my blogs.

I hope it serves as a reminder…..

I couldn’t be a Domestic Abuse Consultant specialising in post-separation abuse and not say something about today.

Today we will see lots of messages celebrating Mother’s Day.

I want to say a few words to all those mother’s experiencing post-separation abuse and are not with their children today.

Please remember this.

One day in the year cannot erase every holding of their hand, every kiss on their forehead goodnight every game you have played or every hug that gives them peace and comfort when they need it.

You are the most remarkable mothers.

You are not forgotten today or any day 💗

Please share with any mother who needs to read or hear this today.

If this blog resonates with you or someone yohttps://ydom.co.uk/u know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

*This blog is written by an incredibly talented writer and I’m fortunate that it now sits proudly within You Don’t Own Me

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness

And for the longest time, I couldn’t fathom how something so seemingly cruel could ever be considered a gift

It took me a long while to realise the profound truth hidden within that box

—–♡

They say time heals all wounds

But some wounds run so deep that they become etched into the very fabric of our existence

A burden that alters not just your mind, but your entire being

It is as if your soul has been shattered into a million jagged pieces

Leaving you with the fragments of your shattered self

—–♡

In the depths of my pain, I felt as though I had been swallowed whole by an abyss of despair

The hurt inflicted upon me was so deep

So agonising

That I believed it would consume me entirely

It left me broken and unrecognisable to myself

There were moments when the weight of the pain was so unbearable that I questioned whether I could go on

I was drowning

Suffocating in the darkness that enveloped me

—– ♡

But somehow, against all odds, I found the strength to keep fighting

To keep pushing forward

And through that struggle, through the tears and the sleepless nights

I discovered a reservoir of strength within me that I never knew existed

It was a strength born out of necessity, out of the sheer will to survive

I learned that I was capable of enduring far more than I ever thought possible

—–♡

The true gift of that box of darkness was not in the pain itself

But in what it led me to

It guided me towards remarkable individuals who became the light in my life

They reached out their hands and lifted me up when I felt like I was sinking

They showed me kindness, compassion, and love when I needed it most

And in their presence, I found healing

Their support and understanding helped to mend the shattered pieces of my soul

They gave me hope and reminded me that I was not alone in my struggle

They taught me the power of connection and the strength that can be found in vulnerability

—–♡

The box of darkness also brought with it unexpected opportunities

It forced me to confront my fears and step outside of my comfort zone

It pushed me to discover my true passions and pursue them with unwavering determination

It opened doors that I never could have imagined

Leading me towards a future filled with purpose and fulfilment

—–♡

The scars from that journey may still linger

A reminder of the pain I endured

But they are also a testament to the strength and the incredible capacity for growth that lies within each of us

They serve as a constant reminder that even in the darkest of times

There is always a glimmer of hope

A flicker of light that can guide us towards a brighter tomorrow

—–♡

And so, I embrace the gift of that box of darkness

For it has transformed me in ways I never could have imagined

It has shown me the depths of my own strength and resilience

And it has brought incredible souls into my life who have forever changed my heart

—–♡

In the end, it is the journey through darkness that allows us to appreciate the beauty of light

It is in the depths of our despair that make the heights of our joy are all the more profound.

Read more Guest Blogs

If the blog resonates with you and you ned support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes

I’m very fortunate to meet so many remarkable people through my work. And considering the conversation revolves around discussing domestic abuse, it makes these people even more remarkable to me.

Something that has come to mind this week is the word, “Ember.”

When we think of an ember, we think of a fire that’s slowly fading.

The “dying embers” from where once danced the smoldering flames, now lie quite still and calm. But they are still there, showing warmth and light.

When I was little, I was fortunate enough to have something called, “The Wall of Sound.”

It was essentially, a sitting room wall for a Barbie House and the phone would ring, the lamp would light, the cat would purr and the fireplace would light up with its embers.

I was also lucky enough to have sisters to play with and we had so much fun with the “The Wall of Sound.”

I can remember some evenings going to bed and leaving the fireplace on because I enjoyed looking at it and listening to the sound so much.

It soothed me and I would fall asleep.

The word “ember,” came to me in a conversation I had this week with the wonderful Danielle Barbereau 𝗖𝗼𝗮𝗰𝗵 / 𝗪𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗿.

And I promised I would write a post about it!

As anyone who knows me, will attest, I talk a lot about hope after someone has experienced domestic abuse.

To me, hope is the cornerstone for each and every individual impacted by abuse.

Without hope, we wouldn’t get up in the morning.

Hope gives us purpose.

And like the dying embers of a fire. Hope is the ember that keeps so many victims and survivors putting one foot in front of the other.

I am extremely passionate about discussing post-separation abuse. It’s a conversation we should all be part of and learn more about its complexities.

Imagine (if you can) leaving an abusive relationship and finally feeling free of the abuser.

Then try to imagine the abuser slowly starts to chip away at your new life and will do whatever it takes to keep controlling you. They may tap into your feelings of insecurity, your worries and fears.

When it comes to post-separation abuse many people don’t want to rock the boat or have to face what inevitably will be a “one hand tied behind their back” fight for some level of freedom.

It is exhausting, it is crushing and they will want to give in.

But what I have always found incredible is an individual’s resolve to not give up.

To not give in.

And that, for me is the “ember.”

“Amidst all the anguish and despair, when a glimmer of hope is there, you feel like you can do anything, take on every battle. And then you do.” (Lucy Wade)

……And I’ve just sold my first You Don’t Own Me mug  

I hope it gives them joy and hope every time they use it!

Happy Friday!

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

How important is support when you have experienced domestic abuse?

Everyone is different and everyone’s experience of abuse is unique to them. That’s why there are so many wide and varied means of support out there. The time to access support is different for everyone.

But I read a case study that gave me so much hope.

In this case study, when the individual was asked, “Were there any memorable moments on the course?”

Their response was remarkable!

A key moment for them was when they were looking at a domestic abuse scenario in the group setting, although the scenario was one this individual had experienced themself, when they were reading it – they no longer imagined themselves in that situation.

They were picturing someone else. And at that point they knew then that they had really started to move forward because they could no longer see themselves in that situation.

What a feeling that must have been.

To be able to stand outside of the situation and realise that this is not your life and will never be your life again. That’s it right there!

It shows the power and importance of support. When individuals feel safe to unpack all they have experienced, it can lead to huge and positive changes for their future.

Ending the working week on a positive note, drinking a cuppa out of my YDOM mug doesn’t get much better than that!

If this blog resonates with you or someone yohttps://ydom.co.uk/u know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

I heard something really powerful today and it made me think.

They said, the most peaceful people and the most wise people they know are the ones who have created enough internal space to be able to allow all the parts of themselves to co-exist, despite the contradictions.

They go on to say, these people have room for their creativity and they have room for their fear. They have room for all the contradictory feelings and emotions. They don’t kick any parts out because, guess what….you can’t!

I loved it.

Anyone who has experienced or is experiencing post-separation abuse knows that there are so many conflicting feelings and emotions to manage….daily.

And as someone who is passionate about opening the door to talk about post-separation abuse, those words really resonated with me.

You can have all the conflicting feelings and emotions inside and still move forward with your life.

I’ll be honest, post-separation abuse doesn’t have an expiration date. But moving forward daily and beginning to understand, how to approach the situations that arise, CAN have an expiration date.

There will come a day when what used to make you feel anxious and worried, doesn’t have the same effect anymore. What you used to struggle to handle, now you have the tools to handle it.

And you can deal with all those feelings.

The good and the bad.

Happy Sunday!

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

I did something this morning I’ve never done before…..

I went to collect my first pair of glasses.

I’ve always been very fortunate to have good vision and it’s only as I’ve hit my mid forties that I have found myself in this position. Everything was getting a “bit blurry.” I’m not complaining in the slightest, I’m lucky to have gone this long!

But sitting waiting for my glasses, it made me think about the parallels with domestic abuse.

Bear with me on this!

I saw a video on a social platform recently that showed an individual wearing “rose-coloured spectacles” and when they took them off, they saw the perpetrator for what they really were.

It doesn’t really grasp the magnitude of living with a perpetrator nor does it convey the love bombing that begins from the very start of the relationship. The slow, subtle way the perpetrator embeds themselves into the life of the victim. And the post-separation that can ensue.

The victim, over time, slowly loses sight of what they want out of life. Their own dreams and aspirations become a distant memory. Because everything becomes about what the perpetrators wants. And for the victim, everything becomes that little bit fuzzier and blurry.

It is very easy from the outside to say, “I’d have seen them coming a mile off!” But you’re not the victim/survivor.

Society is very quick to judge others but as a very dear friend once said to me, “when you point the finger, don’t forget there are three pointing back at you.” Nobody is ever in a position to judge someone else.

The reason I’m so determined to raise awareness about post-separation abuse and indeed, all aspects of domestic abuse is because it sits among us. On the bus, on the tram, when we’re at work, school or college. Wherever you go at any point in time, you will be in close proximity to someone who is either a victim, survivor or perpetrator. You may have experienced abuse yourself. Or maybe you don’t realise it’s happening right now.

Take a minute to think about that. And now tell me it isn’t something we should all be talking about.

So is there a glimmer of hope?

There most certainly is.

When I put the glasses on this morning at the Opticians and looked at myself in the mirror. I knew there was hope.

I can see so much more clearly now and I feel better in myself.

How does this relate to domestic abuse and indeed, post-separation abuse?

Because when we seek the right support, your life can open up and change beyond belief. It can take time to adjust to your new situation but however long it takes. It will be worth it.

When you take that first step to speak to someone about what you’re experiencing, I’m not going to lie, it will be one of the most daunting steps you will ever take. But what comes afterwards is the chance at a life you deserve. It may take time to realise that it’s abuse because this is the way the perpetrator has always behaved, it’s become your “norm.” But trained professionals know this and they can support you in so many ways.

If you think you may be experiencing post-separation abuse, there is help and support. You may feel like nobody else can understand because you’re no longer with the perpetrator, so things are supposed to get better.

But believe me, support services know that a perpetrator does not always stop because you managed to leave. In fact, they will most likely up the attempts at exerting power and control.

Whether through withholding financial support to using harassment and intimidation, putting the children in the middle of it all or abuse of social and legal systems to attempt to frighten you into doing what they want.

You may feel as though you are completely alone and nobody can possibly understand. But we do.

We see you

And we hear you.

And honestly, if you think everything you have experienced sounds “out there” or “insane” just remember, as they say, truth is stranger than fiction!

Now you have found support. You have taken the first step. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

And slowly, over time. Your life will come back into focus.

And it will be better than you ever could have imagined!

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

On my way back from spending New Year’s eve in Wales, we had an unscheduled stop in Bangor for a bite to eat.

I took a quick (albeit not very clear) snap of top college. I think it’s one of the most beautiful buildings I’ve ever seen. Mind you, I’m biased as I attended Bangor University from 1997 to 2000.

As I stood on a cold, dark – and quite wet Tues evening, I was flooded with so many memories of my time there.

I was a naive teenager when I started at Bangor. A teenager who had never had her own room.

Growing up with 5 siblings, meant sharing!

Little did I know that even in halls, you would end up practically living with your friends. Constantly in and out of each other’s rooms. Then back to sharing in a flat!

I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

In the years since I left Bangor, SO much about my life has evolved and changed.

I seem unrecognisable to myself – in a good way. I’ve learned many life lessons along the way and all of it has brought me to where I am now.

Working for myself, doing something I am unbelievably passionate about.

My daughter stood next to me as we looked up at top college. She thinks the university is as beautiful as I do. She also thinks it looks like Hogwarts 🤣. To which I replied that I had indeed made many magical memories there!

Looking at my daughter, it made me think in that moment, what if I could go back and tell a young Lucy embarking on uni anything. What would I tell her?

And it’s this….

You will tell yourself for many years, you don’t care what people think of you. But deep down you will care. You will care until you can get to a point in life where you have faced so, so, so many challenges that are made to break a person. And you’re still here.

They don’t break you. They make you.

From there, you will discover your own value and worth.

You will learn to trust your own instincts.

And you will achieve far more than you ever gave yourself credit for or ever thought possible.

But most importantly, you will help change lives for the better.

Taking a moment and looking at where I was then to where I am now.

It was worth the wait.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

On a cold but sunny Friday afternoon in December I took this photo. I was at one of my favourite places and thought the “shadow photo” would look cool.

Instead, it gave me the idea for this post. The long shadow that was cast in this image reminded me of the long shadow post-separation abuse casts over its victim’s lives.

So many people think that once you leave an abusive relationship, then that’s it. Plain sailing from here on in.

That couldn’t be further from the truth. And even more so if children are involved.

There is darkness and uncertainty in the shadows just as there is darkness and uncertainty living with post-separation abuse.

But there is light at the end of the very dark tunnel and there is support.

I started the year with an idea for a magazine, focusing on the difficult subject that is domestic abuse. Through the year I have been truly fortunate to meet some of the most inspiring and knowledgeable people I could ever hope to meet.

And they have given their time and effort to contribute to what I can only describe now as a unique resource of information, support and understanding. ⭐

The magazine, became my website 

And the website became my blogs and guest blogs with a whole host of information resources and support. I then started my podcast DIP in and out with Lucy 

I decided from the start that my podcast would be free to all, meaning no subscriptions.

Unfortunately, I know all too well the struggles faced when access to support can seem unreachable. I wanted to make DIP in and out with Lucy accessible for anyone who needed it.

And I am immensely proud of that decision.

“Amidst all the anguish and despair, when a glimmer of hope is there, you feel like you can do anything, take on every battle. And then you do.” – Lucy Wade.

To go back to the casting a long shadow photo.

Post-separation abuse and all it entails is my specialism. And although post-separation casts a long shadow over those involved. Eventually, the shadows disappear and we can start to move forward.

One step at a time.

I truly hope this New Year’s Eve that amongst all the resolution making and promises we make to ourselves and others, that we remember one simple fact.

We are human.

We are not perfect 100% of the time. We have days where we feel scared, sad and angry. And that’s ok.

The good days of 2024 will come and so will the challenging days.

But I hope for those impacted by domestic abuse that my website and podcast will continue to draw hope and compassion to all who need it.

🌟 The light at the end of the tunnel will eventually make the shadow disappear. 🌟

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

Saying goodbye is part of everyday life. We say goodbye to our loved ones when we head off to work and school. We say goodbye after spending holiday time with family and friends.

Goodbye is something we all experience.

I heard a psychologist recently talking about the effect of goodbye on children. When we say goodbye to children, for them it feels like the goodbye is forever. Young children are not equipped mentally and emotionally to understand that the individual they love, intends to return.

This explains a lot about why children will cry, have tantrums and appear clingy when a loved ones says goodbye. Because for them, it feels like the end of the world.

But what we don’t talk about enough is the effect and impact that a goodbye has on a child of post-separation abuse.

Where there are children and young people involved in post separation abuse, the perpetrator will use this as an opportunity to attempt to retain control and power by various means such as manipulation and emotional abuse.

There may be a Family Court Order in place, which sets out where the child/children will spend Christmas.

What’s important to remember here (and I have said this in numerous podcast episodes and blogs) is that a child of post-separation abuse loves both parents. This can be hard to comprehend. But all the child sees is the love they have for their parents.

With the right support and over time, the child will hopefully and eventually see that the behaviour displayed by the perpetrator is unacceptable behavior. It will stand out clear as crystal from the behaviour displayed by the victim/survivor parent.

This is not something you can force a child to see. They are a child and you have to give them time, love and support.

As Christmas approaches, for those experiencing post-separation abuse, this an incredibly difficult time of year.

The children may be spending Christmas with the perpetrator and the perpetrator may not allow the children to keep in contact with the victim/survivor by phone and text message while they are away.

They may delay times and arrangements all in order to cause more distress, worry and frustration for the victim/survivor parent. In other words, to retain power and control.

The perpetrator may be able to afford more expensive presents than the victim/survivor parent. They and their family members may use the time when the child is with them to emotionally abuse and manipulate them.

I cannot stress enough what a horrendous time of year this can be for a child of post-separation abuse and for the victim parent. But there is support out there and so many organisations who want to help. Have a look at my Resources Page for useful links and support.

The most important thing for the victim parent to remember is – this will not last forever.

It may feel as though it will. But the child will grow and they will learn as they grow. So being loving and supportive towards the child during those years is essential and, it’s the most precious gift a parent can give. When the child is with the victim/survivor parent during the holidays, try and make it as magical and enjoyable as possible.

This doesn’t mean spending a fortune. Children want time and attention. Play games, bake cookies, watch Christmas films. These are the things that the memories are made of that will last.

Post-separation abuse will take time and an inordinate amount of patience. So ensure you seek the right support for you too.

Remember through all of this, children just want to be loved and receive attention.

Nobody wants to look back on their life and realise that so much time was taken away from them by doubt and fear, allowing the perpetrator to steal the small joys around Christmas time. When it is time to say goodbye and the children leave for the holidays, you will know that you have done the best you can and given them memories to cherish.

Then take time for you, to rest, meet up with friends – whatever makes you happy. Don’t feel guilty about focusing on you for a moment. You’ll need the time to be ready for when the child/children return.

An individual can have the most incredible memories with their children, if they decide to make it an incredible journey and get on board with making the best of the situation as possible. Nobody can take that away!

And goodbye is not forever.

So start that journey this Christmas, make the best memories you can. And enjoy as best you can!

“The thing about trains … it doesn’t matter where they’re going. What matters is deciding to get on.” “The Polar Express.”