All posts by : Lucy Lu

Is the question I am often asked.

And quite rightly so – as it is my specialism.

I started my Consultancy and Guest Speaking because I wanted to make a difference. And thankfully, that dream is becoming a reality.

I talk about all aspects of Domestic Abuse but I chose to specialise in Post-Separation Abuse for one simple reason.

Many people have either never heard of it or are not sure what it means.

The misconception is that once a person leaves an abusive relationship, then that’s it. They’re free.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

At it’s core, post-separation abuse is about the abuser doing their utmost to hang on to control and power.

The abuser needs to remain in control.

So if an individual manages to leave an abusive relationship, the abuser can’t and won’t accept it.

And the situation for many people, in fact, only gets worse.

I have often said that post-separation abuse and a person trying to move forward with their life is like running a marathon and not a sprint.

But what do you do when there never appears to be a finish line? It seems to be constantly moving further and further away?

There isn’t a simple answer.

But talking about it, seeking help and support can have a huge and positive impact.

And until we are willing to try understand and unpick the complexities of post-separation abuse, it will continue to go undetected in so many lives.

Because why would an individual speak out if they thought they won’t be heard or understood?

Or just as worryingly, they don’t see that the abuse has continued after they have managed to leave. This is “just how it is.” It is their norm.

Post-separation abuse is grueling, can last a long time and individuals impacted, will need support.

Family members and friends can also learn more about how to try and help their loved ones. And in the process, help themselves navigate their way through supporting someone experiencing post-separation abuse.

Nobody should ever feel as though they are “owned” by another human being. And You Don’t Own Me will keep spreading that message for as long as it takes……

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, you can visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

My dad will be a year older on Monday. 79, in fact.

It’s Friday afternoon, I’m sitting here thinking about wrapping his presents and what to say in his card.

Trying to fit everything I think and feel into his card is always a challenge. I know I wouldn’t need to say anything – and he’d still know how I felt about him.

I usually end up going for one of our “in-jokes” because I know it will make him laugh.

Growing up with my dad working nights wasn’t easy. I never really thought about it until I got older. But he is a provider, he shows his love and affection through his actions. I cannot begin to count the number of times in my life he has shown me his genuine love through every single thing he has done to help and support me in my life.

And he is loyal beyond words.

I think one of the most valuable life lessons my dad ever taught me was “don’t tell me, show me.”

This is something I have carried with me over the years and honestly, it is one of the truest sayings I have ever heard.

We can all talk the talk I’m sure. But when words and actions don’t marry up – what then?

In domestically abusive relationships, the perpetrator will shower words of adoration and affection onto the victim, making the victim feel special and wanted. These words flow from the perpetrator’s mouth with the greatest of ease. So naturally in fact, that the victim believes it all to be true.

Slowly, the arguments start and those words that were like sweet honey from the perpetrator’s mouth, begin to turn sour.

But it’s OK. Because they are sorry. They’ve been under a lot of stress and the victim hasn’t helped matters.

Sweet words return and yet, there’s a niggling feeling the victim can’t shake until (in many cases) years have passed and the victim can barely recognise themselves anymore.

This is an all too common picture we see when supporting victims and survivors of domestic abuse. Somewhere along the way, they lose sight of themselves, of all the things they wanted to do and the dreams they had when they were little are gone.

The reason I wanted to start You Don’t Own Me and DIP in and out with Lucy, was to let people know one simple thing. That they are not alone.

When we support victims and survivors, we’re letting them know that their life isn’t over. There is the chance to live a full and happy life. It will take time, especially if the individual is navigating the worries and pressures of post-separation abuse.

But there can be an end to it. Life can move forward.

If I could give a piece of advice to any victim or survivor of domestic abuse it would be this.

A person can say anything. But it’s their actions that will tell you everything you need to know.

I will forever be grateful to my dad for showing me by his actions, his love and affection for me and my family.

It’s the best gift anyone could receive.

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, you can visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

Romantic relationships can be complicated enough at the best of times.

There are so many components that make up these relationships and they gradually become intertwined with every aspect of our lives.

When the relationship and connection seems to deepen, we start exploring the qualities reserved for those precious individuals in our lives where trust, respect and honesty reside.  And we think about whether or not this relationship has all these qualities.

Many relationships do master what appears to be a fine balance in order to achieve living in a happy relationship. But even then, those relationships are not immune from breaking down. People can grow apart and want different things out of life.

But what if you have experienced domestic abuse in a relationship? What then?

And what if you are experiencing post-separation abuse?

Probably one of the most important questions is…..can you ever trust again?

Each person who has experienced abuse has the right to choose if they ever want to consider being in a relationship again.

And there is no set time limit on exploring the idea of a new relationship.

There should be no pressure and each person should take their time to decide what’s right for them. If there are children involved, this is a huge consideration when entering into any new relationship.

But I think it is an even more important decision to take time to consider for anyone who has experienced abuse.

You not only need to be able to consider yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and so on, but you need to be able to think about your children as well.

You also have so much to process, especially if you and your children are experiencing post-separation abuse.

At it’s core, post-separation abuse is about the abuser doing their utmost to hang on to control and power. The abuser needs to remain in control. They refuse to let go.

So when an individual who has been controlled, manages to leave, the abuser can’t and won’t accept it.

I have often said that post-separation abuse and trying to move forward with your life is like running a marathon and not a sprint.

And what do you do when there never appears to be a finish line because it’s constantly moving further and further away from you?

There isn’t a simple answer. But seeking help and support can help you and your family to manage more effectively the situations that arise from post-separation abuse.

You may feel as though it would all be too complicated for a new relationship and for that person to understand and accept that this is all really happening.

You may fear that the person may decide it’s all too much for them and end the relationship.

It can become very stressful and you may feel as though you are trying to please everybody all while keeping your head above water.

There is no set formula to entering into a relationship after you have experienced domestic abuse.

But what I would say is….there is no rush.

You have every right to work on your own self-worth, your self-esteem and think about what it is you really want.

If you do feel comfortable to try and see how a new relationship might progress, then anyone who is worthy of you will be patient and will support you even when they don’t truly understand the situation themselves.

If you have doubts about any new relationship, you can find more information here about Clare’s Law

A new relationship isn’t what everybody wants or sees in their future. And it doesn’t have to be.

But staying hopeful and open to the possibility that there are good people out there, makes the world for me, a happier place to live in.

Whatever, you choose to do with your life if you have experienced domestic abuse, I would just say this.

Your past does not define or decide your future.

You now have the opportunity to rewrite your story. You get to decide how it plays out.

And honestly? It can lead to paths you never knew existed for you. Opening doors to opportunities you thought were only reserved for an elite few.

And you can have a life and if you want it – a relationship far greater than the one you could ever have tried to envisage for yourself before.

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, you can visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

I posted a powerful message on LinkedIn on Mothering Sunday. And I think it deserved to sit within the rest of my blogs.

I hope it serves as a reminder…..

I couldn’t be a Domestic Abuse Consultant specialising in post-separation abuse and not say something about today.

Today we will see lots of messages celebrating Mother’s Day.

I want to say a few words to all those mother’s experiencing post-separation abuse and are not with their children today.

Please remember this.

One day in the year cannot erase every holding of their hand, every kiss on their forehead goodnight every game you have played or every hug that gives them peace and comfort when they need it.

You are the most remarkable mothers.

You are not forgotten today or any day 💗

Please share with any mother who needs to read or hear this today.

If this blog resonates with you or someone yohttps://ydom.co.uk/u know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

*This blog is written by an incredibly talented writer and I’m fortunate that it now sits proudly within You Don’t Own Me

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness

And for the longest time, I couldn’t fathom how something so seemingly cruel could ever be considered a gift

It took me a long while to realise the profound truth hidden within that box

—–♡

They say time heals all wounds

But some wounds run so deep that they become etched into the very fabric of our existence

A burden that alters not just your mind, but your entire being

It is as if your soul has been shattered into a million jagged pieces

Leaving you with the fragments of your shattered self

—–♡

In the depths of my pain, I felt as though I had been swallowed whole by an abyss of despair

The hurt inflicted upon me was so deep

So agonising

That I believed it would consume me entirely

It left me broken and unrecognisable to myself

There were moments when the weight of the pain was so unbearable that I questioned whether I could go on

I was drowning

Suffocating in the darkness that enveloped me

—– ♡

But somehow, against all odds, I found the strength to keep fighting

To keep pushing forward

And through that struggle, through the tears and the sleepless nights

I discovered a reservoir of strength within me that I never knew existed

It was a strength born out of necessity, out of the sheer will to survive

I learned that I was capable of enduring far more than I ever thought possible

—–♡

The true gift of that box of darkness was not in the pain itself

But in what it led me to

It guided me towards remarkable individuals who became the light in my life

They reached out their hands and lifted me up when I felt like I was sinking

They showed me kindness, compassion, and love when I needed it most

And in their presence, I found healing

Their support and understanding helped to mend the shattered pieces of my soul

They gave me hope and reminded me that I was not alone in my struggle

They taught me the power of connection and the strength that can be found in vulnerability

—–♡

The box of darkness also brought with it unexpected opportunities

It forced me to confront my fears and step outside of my comfort zone

It pushed me to discover my true passions and pursue them with unwavering determination

It opened doors that I never could have imagined

Leading me towards a future filled with purpose and fulfilment

—–♡

The scars from that journey may still linger

A reminder of the pain I endured

But they are also a testament to the strength and the incredible capacity for growth that lies within each of us

They serve as a constant reminder that even in the darkest of times

There is always a glimmer of hope

A flicker of light that can guide us towards a brighter tomorrow

—–♡

And so, I embrace the gift of that box of darkness

For it has transformed me in ways I never could have imagined

It has shown me the depths of my own strength and resilience

And it has brought incredible souls into my life who have forever changed my heart

—–♡

In the end, it is the journey through darkness that allows us to appreciate the beauty of light

It is in the depths of our despair that make the heights of our joy are all the more profound.

Read more Guest Blogs

If the blog resonates with you and you ned support, please visit my Resources Page

DIP in and out with Lucy Episodes

I’m very fortunate to meet so many remarkable people through my work. And considering the conversation revolves around discussing domestic abuse, it makes these people even more remarkable to me.

Something that has come to mind this week is the word, “Ember.”

When we think of an ember, we think of a fire that’s slowly fading.

The “dying embers” from where once danced the smoldering flames, now lie quite still and calm. But they are still there, showing warmth and light.

When I was little, I was fortunate enough to have something called, “The Wall of Sound.”

It was essentially, a sitting room wall for a Barbie House and the phone would ring, the lamp would light, the cat would purr and the fireplace would light up with its embers.

I was also lucky enough to have sisters to play with and we had so much fun with the “The Wall of Sound.”

I can remember some evenings going to bed and leaving the fireplace on because I enjoyed looking at it and listening to the sound so much.

It soothed me and I would fall asleep.

The word “ember,” came to me in a conversation I had this week with the wonderful Danielle Barbereau 𝗖𝗼𝗮𝗰𝗵 / 𝗪𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗿.

And I promised I would write a post about it!

As anyone who knows me, will attest, I talk a lot about hope after someone has experienced domestic abuse.

To me, hope is the cornerstone for each and every individual impacted by abuse.

Without hope, we wouldn’t get up in the morning.

Hope gives us purpose.

And like the dying embers of a fire. Hope is the ember that keeps so many victims and survivors putting one foot in front of the other.

I am extremely passionate about discussing post-separation abuse. It’s a conversation we should all be part of and learn more about its complexities.

Imagine (if you can) leaving an abusive relationship and finally feeling free of the abuser.

Then try to imagine the abuser slowly starts to chip away at your new life and will do whatever it takes to keep controlling you. They may tap into your feelings of insecurity, your worries and fears.

When it comes to post-separation abuse many people don’t want to rock the boat or have to face what inevitably will be a “one hand tied behind their back” fight for some level of freedom.

It is exhausting, it is crushing and they will want to give in.

But what I have always found incredible is an individual’s resolve to not give up.

To not give in.

And that, for me is the “ember.”

“Amidst all the anguish and despair, when a glimmer of hope is there, you feel like you can do anything, take on every battle. And then you do.” (Lucy Wade)

……And I’ve just sold my first You Don’t Own Me mug  

I hope it gives them joy and hope every time they use it!

Happy Friday!

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

How important is support when you have experienced domestic abuse?

Everyone is different and everyone’s experience of abuse is unique to them. That’s why there are so many wide and varied means of support out there. The time to access support is different for everyone.

But I read a case study that gave me so much hope.

In this case study, when the individual was asked, “Were there any memorable moments on the course?”

Their response was remarkable!

A key moment for them was when they were looking at a domestic abuse scenario in the group setting, although the scenario was one this individual had experienced themself, when they were reading it – they no longer imagined themselves in that situation.

They were picturing someone else. And at that point they knew then that they had really started to move forward because they could no longer see themselves in that situation.

What a feeling that must have been.

To be able to stand outside of the situation and realise that this is not your life and will never be your life again. That’s it right there!

It shows the power and importance of support. When individuals feel safe to unpack all they have experienced, it can lead to huge and positive changes for their future.

Ending the working week on a positive note, drinking a cuppa out of my YDOM mug doesn’t get much better than that!

If this blog resonates with you or someone yohttps://ydom.co.uk/u know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

I heard something really powerful today and it made me think.

They said, the most peaceful people and the most wise people they know are the ones who have created enough internal space to be able to allow all the parts of themselves to co-exist, despite the contradictions.

They go on to say, these people have room for their creativity and they have room for their fear. They have room for all the contradictory feelings and emotions. They don’t kick any parts out because, guess what….you can’t!

I loved it.

Anyone who has experienced or is experiencing post-separation abuse knows that there are so many conflicting feelings and emotions to manage….daily.

And as someone who is passionate about opening the door to talk about post-separation abuse, those words really resonated with me.

You can have all the conflicting feelings and emotions inside and still move forward with your life.

I’ll be honest, post-separation abuse doesn’t have an expiration date. But moving forward daily and beginning to understand, how to approach the situations that arise, CAN have an expiration date.

There will come a day when what used to make you feel anxious and worried, doesn’t have the same effect anymore. What you used to struggle to handle, now you have the tools to handle it.

And you can deal with all those feelings.

The good and the bad.

Happy Sunday!

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

I did something this morning I’ve never done before…..

I went to collect my first pair of glasses.

I’ve always been very fortunate to have good vision and it’s only as I’ve hit my mid forties that I have found myself in this position. Everything was getting a “bit blurry.” I’m not complaining in the slightest, I’m lucky to have gone this long!

But sitting waiting for my glasses, it made me think about the parallels with domestic abuse.

Bear with me on this!

I saw a video on a social platform recently that showed an individual wearing “rose-coloured spectacles” and when they took them off, they saw the perpetrator for what they really were.

It doesn’t really grasp the magnitude of living with a perpetrator nor does it convey the love bombing that begins from the very start of the relationship. The slow, subtle way the perpetrator embeds themselves into the life of the victim. And the post-separation that can ensue.

The victim, over time, slowly loses sight of what they want out of life. Their own dreams and aspirations become a distant memory. Because everything becomes about what the perpetrators wants. And for the victim, everything becomes that little bit fuzzier and blurry.

It is very easy from the outside to say, “I’d have seen them coming a mile off!” But you’re not the victim/survivor.

Society is very quick to judge others but as a very dear friend once said to me, “when you point the finger, don’t forget there are three pointing back at you.” Nobody is ever in a position to judge someone else.

The reason I’m so determined to raise awareness about post-separation abuse and indeed, all aspects of domestic abuse is because it sits among us. On the bus, on the tram, when we’re at work, school or college. Wherever you go at any point in time, you will be in close proximity to someone who is either a victim, survivor or perpetrator. You may have experienced abuse yourself. Or maybe you don’t realise it’s happening right now.

Take a minute to think about that. And now tell me it isn’t something we should all be talking about.

So is there a glimmer of hope?

There most certainly is.

When I put the glasses on this morning at the Opticians and looked at myself in the mirror. I knew there was hope.

I can see so much more clearly now and I feel better in myself.

How does this relate to domestic abuse and indeed, post-separation abuse?

Because when we seek the right support, your life can open up and change beyond belief. It can take time to adjust to your new situation but however long it takes. It will be worth it.

When you take that first step to speak to someone about what you’re experiencing, I’m not going to lie, it will be one of the most daunting steps you will ever take. But what comes afterwards is the chance at a life you deserve. It may take time to realise that it’s abuse because this is the way the perpetrator has always behaved, it’s become your “norm.” But trained professionals know this and they can support you in so many ways.

If you think you may be experiencing post-separation abuse, there is help and support. You may feel like nobody else can understand because you’re no longer with the perpetrator, so things are supposed to get better.

But believe me, support services know that a perpetrator does not always stop because you managed to leave. In fact, they will most likely up the attempts at exerting power and control.

Whether through withholding financial support to using harassment and intimidation, putting the children in the middle of it all or abuse of social and legal systems to attempt to frighten you into doing what they want.

You may feel as though you are completely alone and nobody can possibly understand. But we do.

We see you

And we hear you.

And honestly, if you think everything you have experienced sounds “out there” or “insane” just remember, as they say, truth is stranger than fiction!

Now you have found support. You have taken the first step. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

And slowly, over time. Your life will come back into focus.

And it will be better than you ever could have imagined!

If this blog resonates with you or someone you know, visit my Resources Page for useful links and support.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify

On my way back from spending New Year’s eve in Wales, we had an unscheduled stop in Bangor for a bite to eat.

I took a quick (albeit not very clear) snap of top college. I think it’s one of the most beautiful buildings I’ve ever seen. Mind you, I’m biased as I attended Bangor University from 1997 to 2000.

As I stood on a cold, dark – and quite wet Tues evening, I was flooded with so many memories of my time there.

I was a naive teenager when I started at Bangor. A teenager who had never had her own room.

Growing up with 5 siblings, meant sharing!

Little did I know that even in halls, you would end up practically living with your friends. Constantly in and out of each other’s rooms. Then back to sharing in a flat!

I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

In the years since I left Bangor, SO much about my life has evolved and changed.

I seem unrecognisable to myself – in a good way. I’ve learned many life lessons along the way and all of it has brought me to where I am now.

Working for myself, doing something I am unbelievably passionate about.

My daughter stood next to me as we looked up at top college. She thinks the university is as beautiful as I do. She also thinks it looks like Hogwarts 🤣. To which I replied that I had indeed made many magical memories there!

Looking at my daughter, it made me think in that moment, what if I could go back and tell a young Lucy embarking on uni anything. What would I tell her?

And it’s this….

You will tell yourself for many years, you don’t care what people think of you. But deep down you will care. You will care until you can get to a point in life where you have faced so, so, so many challenges that are made to break a person. And you’re still here.

They don’t break you. They make you.

From there, you will discover your own value and worth.

You will learn to trust your own instincts.

And you will achieve far more than you ever gave yourself credit for or ever thought possible.

But most importantly, you will help change lives for the better.

Taking a moment and looking at where I was then to where I am now.

It was worth the wait.

DIP in and out with Lucy | Podcast on Spotify